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 Dear person who started calling me a last-minute shopper,

Yesterday, I received an email in my inbox. I opened up the email, and it read, “Tick tock! Time is running out!” I had no idea what that meant, but it alarmed me, for the small chance that a killer was right behind me. I looked behind me, and let out a sigh of relief. Yet I was still interested what the letter really meant, so I scrolled down. To my horror, it said, “Go on down to Macy’s, and never be late for holiday shopping again!” Late?! It’s not even the middle of December! When I saw that, I was so mad! I deleted the email with not a single regret. But that one small experience had opened my mind.

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All around me, even when I’m trying to watch an episode of Flea Market Flip, I’m noticing ads for holiday discounts. And as if that isn’t enough, you start calling me a last-minute shopper?! I know the trick to these things. You tell us that we are running out of time for Christmas shopping (while you don’t even seem to notice that it is December 8th, and Christmas is on the 25th), then expect us to panic, and run on over to your store and buy all of your relatives presents, then buy a couple more for the relative who don’t exist because you have gone money-crazy. I mean, you don’t have to put emphasis on the fact that you’re trying to cheat us out of keeping money in our wallets. We know it’s going to happen.

I know when I’m shopping at the last-minute. I own a calendar, I don’t need Target employees to create a schedule for me. For me, holiday shopping is one of the many, many ways to reenact bull running, while knowing that you get a discount. For you, it is a way to lie to the whole country, and use a witch laugh as money continuously floats over your head. When I got that email, I knew not to go to whatever store you work for, because I had the least bit of common-sense to know that at least two hundred other people are piling through your door at the moment. I can imagine millions of people across America receiving that one email, and dropping whatever they were doing to get to the store, and take the stress and guilt of not buying the presents off of their back. Of course, whoever you are, you started this reaction, by making people uncomfortable and guilty.

Thanksgiving was a week or so ago. If I’m shopping at the last-minute, how come I know that I have 15 anxiety-filled days to shop? Does that change your opinion (if possible), on what is late and what’s not? You already annoyed me enough about Christmas shopping with Black Friday and Cyber Monday, but to have both of them every day inside my inbox. My inbox used to be full of peace, and serenity, until Thanksgiving ended. The day after Black Friday, I got so many emails about running out of time, and it was still November. And yet it is November 9th, and I’m still getting these emails.

I think that you should at least wait until the 20th to start insulting me about shopping. I can imagine you just stopping the emails 10 days before Christmas, which I would like. But that would be about the right time, because then I would probably wait until the last-minute to shop, like I usually do. You can insult me when you actually have evidence. Yes, I’m aware that you are power-thirsty monsters, taking over the world one small step at a time, and I am getting in your path to world domination, but can you just wait a while? Just remember this, before you continue annoying people to the limit where they could throw a brick at their neighbor’s window.

Non-sincerely, Charlie