Ah, the Christmas season is here. I truly love it. Like Andy Williams said, it is the most wonderful time of the year. Though, wonderfulness isn’t always wonderful when you want it to be wonderful. For example, when you are trying to find The Charlie Brown Christmas special on TV, you usually find one of those movies on the Hallmark channel that got lost in an infinite abyss full of terrible movies. That is one of the moments in life that deserve a big sigh. But right now, I wanted to make a full list of movies for you to boycott (or for me, because I have seen all of these movies, and wanted to make a list so I won’t forget), even if you like the movies.
Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012)
I don’t really like sequels, at all. But when the sequel changes the whole story surrounding the original, I have to insult it. This movie follows a boy who has no life outside his video games (he also plays games with a 20 something guy who he has never met, I don’t know if it is just me, but that is insanely creepy), and he believes that his house is haunted, so he sets up traps to prevent the ghosts from breaking in to his home (when the ghosts are actually burglars), exactly the same night his parents are at a Christmas party. I find it too convenient that his parents were gone the one night his house was being bombarded by robbers. I just liked the simplicity of the other ones, because this series has gone one movie too far.
Saint is one of the movies that will scar your mind, but in a bad way. It is one of the Christmas horror movies, but the kind that will make you groan during every death scene. Movies like these will never, I repeat, NEVER, be remembered. A good Christmas movie doesn’t involve a slasher St. Nicholas who roams the street, killing everyone in sight, while on a horse. A good Christmas movie involves love, and compassion, and all of these movies that I am listing have none of it at all. What truly makes this movie bad is the confusion it brings people. Whenever there’s a full moon on December 6th, St. Nick will go out and try to kill as many children as possible, when he is also the person fabled to bring toys and candy either on December 6th, or the 25th, most commonly the 25th. I’m sure that you know what I mean by that, because you don’t need a brain to connect the dots here.
Ernest Saves Christmas
The Ernest movies have irritated me for years. But this one, it is the mother of all terrible Christmas movies, surpassing every amount of stupidity in every other Ernest movie. I mean, I guess I might be over-reacting. Yeah, I think I can watch the movie, but only if I close my eyes, and try my best to drown out all of the sound by repeatedly saying “LA LA LA!”
Santa Conquers The Martians
This movie had the worst transitioning I have ever seen. For example, one second it says, “We need to kidnap only one Santa Clause. With there being so many, they won’t even notice a difference.” Then another second later, it shows a man on a news channel, saying “We interrupt this program to tell you that an un-identified flying object has been spotted.” Though the incredibly bad acting makes it funny, how surreal the plot is makes the whole movie hard to enjoy without groaning whenever they try to add suspense.
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
When I was a little boy, I saw this movie. When Grandma did get run over by a reindeer, I was absolutely terrified. I had never thought of the possibility that any of us could be ran over by a reindeer. But when I had, I didn’t step outside my house at all on Christmas eve. Yesterday, I caught it on TV, and I still felt bad for Grandma Spankenheimer. That’s why I had to add it to my list. The thought of a woman getting run over by a pack of over-sized moose, is just unsettling, knowing that the pack of moose may or may not be visiting you.
Christmas with The Kranks
You know, I’m speechless. I have seen the movie a couple of nights ago, I was completely blown away how bad you actually can make a movie. I can safely say that this movie is a mixture of Home Alone 3, and Gremlins. It follows a man who was blown away by the money his family had spent on Christmas last year, which was 6,100 dollars. As if that isn’t quite ludicrous enough, he plans on going on a week-long cruise to ditch Christmas! His neighbors try to fight back, because apparently a community sticks together. But when their daughter who was in the Health Corp. in Paris calls and tells them that she is coming home for Christmas, they have to prepare, but fast, because she called on Christmas eve. It was good at first, but when it got there, it just started going downhill, faster than a 600 pound man on a bobsled.
A Christmas Story
OK, I might have started off at the wrong note by just putting the title, because I know that everyone loves this movie, and it is a holiday classic. But I have seen it. I have seen it many, many times. Sometimes I just watch the movie to uncover what people find so wonderful about the movie. But I just can’t find it. With all the times I have seen it, every event burning right in to the back of my brain, I have noticed one thing that annoyed me the most about it: the dark comedy it uses. For example, the boy who’s tongue got stuck to a pole, the boy who fell and couldn’t get up (no reference to the people in Life Alert commercials whatsoever), the BB gun, and the bunny costume.
So, those movies are lost in an abyss full of sadness. But, they deserve to be there, because they are monstrosities destroying the world one small step at a time. But, before the apocalypse falls upon us, I guess it would be fitting to wish you all a merry Christmas ten days early. But, I won’t. So, instead, I will give you a happy new year!