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Fortunes, or things that are believed to happen in the future, have always fascinated us. Getting a glimpse of something in our future is a mystical and mysterious thought. But fortunes aren’t always good. Sometimes they are bad, and by ‘bad,’ I don’t mean something bad that will happen in the future. I mean the fortune is just plain stupid.

People write these fortunes. Not some legendary creature, or god. Just an average Joe writes it. Actually, an average Joe should just be a phrase referring to average people with the name Joe, which means there will be an average Mary, Oprah, Sean, Thomas, Avery, Kristin, oh, well you get the idea. But, it is not like these people who write the fortunes have powers to see in to everyone’s future. They don’t even know who any of the people buying the food are! So you can’t really expect much out of the fortunes, but you can expect that the fortune be nice. Sadly, most of the time, they really aren’t nice. At all. Like, at all. At a- oh wait, you get the idea.

Just about a week ago, we had ordered Chinese food. To me, Chinese food is like the mother ship of all food that has noodles. For a while, I hastily paced around my kitchen table, waiting for my dad to return with our food. When he finally got back, my eyes focused only on the bag of food, not the man who brought it to us.

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I ate like a crazed wolf who has been forced to go 17 days without any meat. When I finished, I felt packed. I won’t go in to details for your own sake. I knew I couldn’t forget the most important part of Chinese food, so I grabbed it off our shelf right away. Viciously, I ripped open the package, and stuffed the cookie in my mouth. No, I didn’t crack it open to see the fortune, I just stuffed it in my mouth. I violently chewed it up, and noticed that there was something, paper-y. Then I realized how stupid I was, spit it out, and tried to make out what it said through a coat of saliva. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is what I saw.

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What on Earth does it mean? That isn’t a fortune, it’s a statement. If I wanted a fortune statement, I wouldn’t have asked for a fortune cookie. Fortune statements don’t make me happy! What a person wants to see in their cookies are either fat-packed sugary white stuff, or a fortune, but I got neither! I looked up at my brother, whose eyes slowly grew bigger. “Oh my gosh, my fortune says, “Good fortune will soon be at your door.”” Frustrated, I asked my mom what she got, and this is what she said. “Mine says that even if the path looks dangerous, I will always be safe in the end.” And, finally, I looked at my dad, who said his was, “I ate a photo album.” I know that final one wasn’t true, but whoever wrote my fortune has some nerve. Whoever wrote mine must have had a bad day. But, to me, a fortune is hope to hold on. A simple dream, waiting to blossom. And my fortune, wasn’t even a fortune. It was just some oddball piece of advice. You know, if I were to write a fortune, it wouldn’t be like any of this. It would make anyone’s heart swell. It would cause the birds to sing.

In a near future, you will be abducted by a UFO, then be taken to a forest with Bigfoot