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DEAR CORPORATE SICKOS BEHIND THE PUMPKIN SPICE PRODUCTS,

I’ve always been intrigued by your method of making people want to go and eat some dirt by saying it is ‘Pumpkin Spice.’ And sure, I have fallen prey to your mouse traps. But, gradually, over time, I have been growing more on the side of these to against, and what really brought me over to the light side of the moon was when I saw a shipment of “Pumpkin Spice Hummus” at Walmart. Then I got annoyed.

Really? What are you trying to accomplish with this? If I wanted something pumpkin spice I’d go put pumpkin entrails in a blender, add some coffee beans, and press the button, then I’d have my very own pumpkin spice latte!! Granted, I am not a pumpkin farmer, and it takes a little bit of work to cut a pumpkin open, but you see my point. Hopefully. At this point, by looking around your house and seeing which unsuspecting item could be pumpkin spiced, you are running over the line for your lemonade stand. Strange analogy, but same point I am trying to deliver.

I do love a good pumpkin spice latte. But, if I didn’t like fall, I’d hate it. Oh. That’s the business strategy!! You are taking the followers of Fall, and processing these products they’d normally hate but with the pumpkin spice twist! BRAINWASH!!!!

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Pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice Oreos, pumpkin spice motor oil, pumpkin spice mayonnaise… it is all there for the same reason!!! To get the fall-owers of fall to mindlessly stumble over each other in the Starbucks line!!! Well, I’ll have NONE OF IT!!! Actually, the more time I spend on the lighter side of the moon, it is gradually getting darker and darker, and if I don’t go any faster, I will be engulfed in darkness. The darkness of not loving fall enough!!! I WILL GIVE IN TO YOUR DEMANDS STARBUCKS!!!! No, I won’t. YES I WILL!!! Maybe. As long as I don’t have to give in to the other stupid products. Such as pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice.. you get the gist. You know this whole post was based on you, right latte? I am enjoying this conversation a latte. Oh, whatever. My highly caffeinated rants don’t matter at this point. Let’s discuss this over a latte, shall we not?

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