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Some say it is too early, others say it is fine, I don’t honestly care about it as long as I am drinking it, and that is eggnog.

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(non-alcoholic version of eggnog, just pointing that out)

I’M SORRY! I just can’t manage to avert myself from the joys and ways of this seasonal beverage before it is the correct time to get it. But, we were at Wegmans, I saw a bottle in the flavored waters section, and like a siren to a pirate or some other somewhat clever analogy that I am to livid to take recollection of, and before I knew it I was holding on to it saying to myself, ‘This is right. This was meant to happen at some point.’

And you know what? I shouldn’t even be apologizing right now! I have my own free will! This is America! I have a set of rights that I can get comfortable with without the harsh judgement I believe I am currently making up as I go along! And you know what?! I am currently drinking the remains of the drink in the bottle (because there is no possible way on this here earth that someone can drink even a tiny bottle of eggnog in one sitting), while listening to Burl Ives Christmas music on Pandora, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. You can live in your anti-seasonal world, ripping apart garlands and stepping on elves, while I can go rock around the Christmas tree, have a holly jolly Christmas along the way, while silver bells jingle and Rudolph’s nose blinks.

I’m sorry. I know that was mean. I just love eggnog. There are no words to describe the trans-universal connection between me and the milky contents inside the bottle. There are also no words to describe the taste. It is inevitable: the first time you try eggnog, the monumental first sip, it will be like eating a chocolate cake and drinking a tub of orange juice. It is almost as impossible to like it on the first try as it is to try to get a Flintstones vitamin down without getting a toothache. But, once you get to the second or third sip, you finally start to understand why. You have made contact with the universe. You understand. Life makes sense. You see through your mind, hear through the planets, poop out the milky way (I theorized that the milky way is an interstellar toilet, outside of it is the multiverse’s biggest sewer system). When you finally taste that eggnog, anytime outside of the season is just a build up until you get to try it once more.

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Ah, well. I know what I will be drinking for the next month or so as a replacement for water! I wish the expiration dates weren’t so close to the time when we buy them, so maybe I could store them until the next season. Oh, you anti-eggnoggers can go in a pit. I will be here, on the elevated ground, sipping my eggnog, listening to Pandora, rocking around the Christmas tree, and you’ll wish you took the chance.

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