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Theft and robbery is a one way road, sending innocent humans down on the path to their imminent demise. If you had right amount of stupidity and ignorance inside of you to have read my previous experience with crime (basically when I went on a guilt trip after stealing glue) you should know that I’m no stranger to the life of a criminal. And this is the tale of the most horrible thing I’ve ever done.

There was once a night that would decide the fate of the rest of my life. Looking back on it now, I deeply regret this and wish that I could take it back (sniffle). It was at a Shoprite. My mother and I traversed here predominantly for some milk, but of course left with around 6 bags of food. There was a section entirely devoted to fruit, fruit of which I grabbed two apples from. We stood in the self checkout lane trying to ignore the primitive urge to yell at the man in front of us who clearly had an amount of food much higher than the accepted 20 items limit. As he exited the store with quite an excessive amount of cat food, we moved forward in the line. I started scanning the items, until, the only items left were the apples. My mom gave me a tutorial on how to log apples in and pay for those as well, so I punched in the code to the system and a message appeared on the touchscreen that said ‘Please place the apples on the scale.’ Without the thought or attention span to care of this, I basically stood there until it came to a price. $0.56. At this point my mom most likely caught on to what I didn’t know I was doing.

I bagged the items like the criminal I didn’t know I was and we left, and only was it at this point that my mom pointed out to me that I had my fingers on the scale, tricking the scale in to weighing the weight put on to the scale, not that of the apples. So, instead of coming to a price initially higher than the one we received, we got $0.56, the price of my hand apparently. So, instead of buying the apples, we freaking bought my hand and stole a few apples.


Of course, we laughed about this, but not even laughter could be the cure for the burden now on my shoulders. I haven’t even eaten the apples yet. I bet they’ll taste like shaaaaame.