Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

If you are one of those unfortunate souls who haven’t been one with the internet webs, The Purge is essentially a horror movie trilogy that brought to the table an interesting concept which made it a massively talked about movie, but instead of delivering a well thought out, well orchestrated plot line it fell on its face with it. Horror movie cliches burdened the movie in to one of those run of the mill home invasion flicks. If you haven’t been hip with all the new stuff and more, like, shoulder, The Purge details the events of what happens once a year when all crime, including murder, is legal. In an America ridden with crime, the New Founding Fathers were elected in to office and voted to make an annual genocide Christmas. In the movie they go on about how the Purge lets them quell all the rage and anger they have garnered in them. Then a ragtag gang of killers with masks come up and splatter the movie with blood.

9d3cd6da818eb8cbd1736d51dd2440b6

eyyyyy

I think I got all of you caught up with the movie. Now let’s get on with the tips to survive the annual night of lawlessness (if it ever happens).

1.) Board up your home way earlier than the people in the films

 On the day before the Purge don’t hesitate to lock down. Like, take the day off or something like that or lock up the house hours beforehand. The dad in the first film didn’t lock up until the Purge started. Which is his first mistake, of course. The angsty 18 year old boyfriend got in and nearly shot him. And (just saying), if I was a purger, I’d sneak myself in to a rich family’s home hours before because who’s going to care? Would I be arrested the day after for breaking and entering before the purge started? No one would know, because the family would have already died because of the constant stupidity.

2.) Or, don’t even board up your home. Hide in a forest

As we heard in the second film, the purgers (spoiler alert) are paid by the government to eradicate those too weak to defend themselves (such as the homeless and people in hospitals), thus making the money fluctuate upwards and making the economy great once more. The purgers would only look in da hood and target the homeless and those who can’t defend themselves. In a forest it wouldn’t be filled with psychopaths and no one would be able to find you, making it a perfect hide out from those murderers.

3.) Don’t have a morally correct child

 In the first film it is widely known that the son has a recalcitrant attitude toward the night of the Purge. He has morals and he doesn’t want to see anyone murdered. So it is natural that we hate this child already. When the homeless man arrived at their door screaming for help, of course it was this child who had to let him in. The homeless man was a target for purging, and soon afterwards those fudge rag purgers broke in and killed the dad, ultimately scarring what’s left of the family for life.

4.) Make amends with your neighbors

 You’ll never know which of your spastic lard cracker neighbors will be the one to end your life, so the smart thing to do bake those cookies for Alisa or mow Dave’s lawn. Or, you could be a total buttwipe and make yourself look intimidating to your neighbors making them afraid to even try to mess with you.

5.) Go out and participate

Put on your creepy mask and walk out the door with a gang of equally creepy psychopathic freaks on this special occasion when America decides to get all homicidal and crap. When fellow purgers see you they don’t see any reason to kill or maim you since you have the exact same power and can just as easily kill them (I don’t recommend this one). Or, you don’t even have to kill people, as long as you have your weapons and your mask (and a blood stain or two) that will definitely scare off and people willing to mess around.

6.) Make a specialized panic room

 If you’re not feeling up to mass murdering a bunch of frat boys in ski masks invading your home while also talking about the latest Game of Thrones episode, you can just as easily have a specialized room for worst case scenarios. As long as it is well hidden and can protect you for long periods of time it doesn’t matter how big it is. Food, water, and oxygen are obviously necessities along with weapons you can retaliate with should be placed in the room along with entertainment so boredom isn’t your cause of death.

7.) Arm yourself

Tonight you aren’t taking any of those purgers’ crap. Arm yourself and your family well with actual guns instead of just pistols, a mistake made in the first movie. You never know who will invade and whoever does will sure get a surprise coming for them when you show up.

Alright, well I hope I have shared enough in order to help you survive the fictional purge. Try not to get yourself killed there, and don’t have too much hope for a good The Purge film being released anytime soon.

Advertisements