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Today I would like to discuss an issue that has currently been affecting us on a global scale. Those blissfully ignorant PG kids movies that are as unrelenting as the surface of the sun. There have been movie classics within the animation genre, but it feels like they are growing progressively worse at an alarming rate.

Every true member of our society has drunkenly deduced a string of curse words at the unyielding and persistent Minion obsession, but in the world of family friendly animation more mentally damaged versions of these exact same movies are being released at a rate so fast nothing can alleviate the pain and despair they leave in their bloody paths.

I may be being too harsh for a movie directly intended for children, but still. Today I was involuntarily forced to see The Secret Life of Pets


I had high hopes for this movie to be honest. It was cute and had a lot more on its mind than other horrid movies like Zootopia (that was indulged by furries everywhere), but it failed to accomplish anything within its 2 hour run. No message was delivered and it boasted two unlikable leads when it should have focused more one the clearly more interesting bunny voiced by Kevin Hart. Regardless, it was shockingly more humorous than any other Pixar movie, but only at the level that the humor could only be enjoyed by plants. Which says a lot about Pixar to be honest. Its constant use of cliches and cringe worthy script was enough to make the majority of the population flinch in embarrassment.

It seems as if I’m gifting this one film an onslaught of torturous beatings, but the truth is I’m scared. Honestly, legitimately horrified. Why, you may ask? Just, for one moment, let us all unplug ourselves from this matrix and understand what the movie signifies. If this one plays out as it seems to be, within a month it will replace the Minions on all things and those stupid animals will take over and hold a tenacious grip on our freedom and force us in an Orwellian nightmare. Instead of the yellow Minions that would be strategically placed on ever single product and food items in the market, the detestable small dogs will litter the aisles while the endangered Minions will lurk behind in small tribes instead of their previous rein as the worlds dominant species. That’s the truth. That one, innocent Universal movie will be the enddddd.