The Purge: Survival Tips

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If you are one of those unfortunate souls who haven’t been one with the internet webs, The Purge is essentially a horror movie trilogy that brought to the table an interesting concept which made it a massively talked about movie, but instead of delivering a well thought out, well orchestrated plot line it fell on its face with it. Horror movie cliches burdened the movie in to one of those run of the mill home invasion flicks. If you haven’t been hip with all the new stuff and more, like, shoulder, The Purge details the events of what happens once a year when all crime, including murder, is legal. In an America ridden with crime, the New Founding Fathers were elected in to office and voted to make an annual genocide Christmas. In the movie they go on about how the Purge lets them quell all the rage and anger they have garnered in them. Then a ragtag gang of killers with masks come up and splatter the movie with blood.

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I think I got all of you caught up with the movie. Now let’s get on with the tips to survive the annual night of lawlessness (if it ever happens).

1.) Board up your home way earlier than the people in the films

 On the day before the Purge don’t hesitate to lock down. Like, take the day off or something like that or lock up the house hours beforehand. The dad in the first film didn’t lock up until the Purge started. Which is his first mistake, of course. The angsty 18 year old boyfriend got in and nearly shot him. And (just saying), if I was a purger, I’d sneak myself in to a rich family’s home hours before because who’s going to care? Would I be arrested the day after for breaking and entering before the purge started? No one would know, because the family would have already died because of the constant stupidity.

2.) Or, don’t even board up your home. Hide in a forest

As we heard in the second film, the purgers (spoiler alert) are paid by the government to eradicate those too weak to defend themselves (such as the homeless and people in hospitals), thus making the money fluctuate upwards and making the economy great once more. The purgers would only look in da hood and target the homeless and those who can’t defend themselves. In a forest it wouldn’t be filled with psychopaths and no one would be able to find you, making it a perfect hide out from those murderers.

3.) Don’t have a morally correct child

 In the first film it is widely known that the son has a recalcitrant attitude toward the night of the Purge. He has morals and he doesn’t want to see anyone murdered. So it is natural that we hate this child already. When the homeless man arrived at their door screaming for help, of course it was this child who had to let him in. The homeless man was a target for purging, and soon afterwards those fudge rag purgers broke in and killed the dad, ultimately scarring what’s left of the family for life.

4.) Make amends with your neighbors

 You’ll never know which of your spastic lard cracker neighbors will be the one to end your life, so the smart thing to do bake those cookies for Alisa or mow Dave’s lawn. Or, you could be a total buttwipe and make yourself look intimidating to your neighbors making them afraid to even try to mess with you.

5.) Go out and participate

Put on your creepy mask and walk out the door with a gang of equally creepy psychopathic freaks on this special occasion when America decides to get all homicidal and crap. When fellow purgers see you they don’t see any reason to kill or maim you since you have the exact same power and can just as easily kill them (I don’t recommend this one). Or, you don’t even have to kill people, as long as you have your weapons and your mask (and a blood stain or two) that will definitely scare off and people willing to mess around.

6.) Make a specialized panic room

 If you’re not feeling up to mass murdering a bunch of frat boys in ski masks invading your home while also talking about the latest Game of Thrones episode, you can just as easily have a specialized room for worst case scenarios. As long as it is well hidden and can protect you for long periods of time it doesn’t matter how big it is. Food, water, and oxygen are obviously necessities along with weapons you can retaliate with should be placed in the room along with entertainment so boredom isn’t your cause of death.

7.) Arm yourself

Tonight you aren’t taking any of those purgers’ crap. Arm yourself and your family well with actual guns instead of just pistols, a mistake made in the first movie. You never know who will invade and whoever does will sure get a surprise coming for them when you show up.

Alright, well I hope I have shared enough in order to help you survive the fictional purge. Try not to get yourself killed there, and don’t have too much hope for a good The Purge film being released anytime soon.

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Happy 4th of July to All You Patriots

On this annual occasion, I hope you light some fireworks, barbecue some burgers, and tip your fedoras in honor of our very own independence. Wave our flag proudly in the air (while eating a chicken wing, of course). And celebrate the land of the free, and the home of the brave (while talking about the latest Game of Thrones episode, of course). But, all in all, light those fireworks and let those bald eagles fly!

8 Glorious Pictures of Corn

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On this patriotic day before the holiday that celebrates what makes us Americans truly Americans, let us delve deep in to the roots of our country, and explore the massive expanse of what makes us proud to be standing on this sacred land….cuz of corn y’all.

1.) This corn

Ears of sweet corn

from Mother Earth News

I don’t know about all you bald eagles but this is some mighty fine corn right here.

2.) Corn with a special green coat

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also from Mother Earth News

This one corn in particular is absolutely magnificent. There are no words that can describe the rigid yet stylish beauty of this here corn.

3.) Multiple cornz

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The stunning nature of these corns are enough to leave any prideful citizen in tears. With their fragile green hair hanging delicately from the roof of their designer green coats, you must be loving these corns.

4.) Creature partially made of corn

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from The Nerdist

I have no clue on how to identify the type of cat in the picture, but I have enough context to make a generalization on how inspiring it is the lengths people (in this case cat-like dog cow) will go to protect and love their cornz. This truly makes me prideful to call this land home.

5.) Corn dewritos

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from Dewritos

I’m sorry if this picture disturbed some. It is a harrowing and shameful example of the tortures our corn brothers and sisters must face to live up to society’s impossible expectations of them. This is just the result in living in a society where the rule is judge or be judged.

6.) Many, many corns in a field of other cornz

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Now we can spot corns finally in a land where there are free to be who they want, do what they want, and live life in a free enviornment. This is truly what we should strive towards as a country. We must be inspired by these corns and break the shackles and chains that confine us to what we are told we must do and what we must be. We have to live like the corns, except without the part of being eaten. Or am I just combining well thought out, well conveyed political statements with corn? I don’t know, I’m tired. I haven’t slept properly in like, 2 days.

7.) Seeing double cornz

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I don’t know if it is just me, but there are like, two corns here that look exactly alike. They share similar proportions, almost identical kernels, but one is bigger than the other. This one is seriously spooking me.

8.) Cornzzz

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Ah, and here we see some crudely photoshopped corn on the faces of the cast of Seinfeld. A truly magnificent feature.

I hope you all tipped your fedoras today in honor of this wonderful vegetable, be sure to legally light some fireworks tonight in honor of this momentous occasion that will occur tomorrow. Have a wonderful day…

Grand Theft Apple

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Theft and robbery is a one way road, sending innocent humans down on the path to their imminent demise. If you had right amount of stupidity and ignorance inside of you to have read my previous experience with crime (basically when I went on a guilt trip after stealing glue) you should know that I’m no stranger to the life of a criminal. And this is the tale of the most horrible thing I’ve ever done.

There was once a night that would decide the fate of the rest of my life. Looking back on it now, I deeply regret this and wish that I could take it back (sniffle). It was at a Shoprite. My mother and I traversed here predominantly for some milk, but of course left with around 6 bags of food. There was a section entirely devoted to fruit, fruit of which I grabbed two apples from. We stood in the self checkout lane trying to ignore the primitive urge to yell at the man in front of us who clearly had an amount of food much higher than the accepted 20 items limit. As he exited the store with quite an excessive amount of cat food, we moved forward in the line. I started scanning the items, until, the only items left were the apples. My mom gave me a tutorial on how to log apples in and pay for those as well, so I punched in the code to the system and a message appeared on the touchscreen that said ‘Please place the apples on the scale.’ Without the thought or attention span to care of this, I basically stood there until it came to a price. $0.56. At this point my mom most likely caught on to what I didn’t know I was doing.

I bagged the items like the criminal I didn’t know I was and we left, and only was it at this point that my mom pointed out to me that I had my fingers on the scale, tricking the scale in to weighing the weight put on to the scale, not that of the apples. So, instead of coming to a price initially higher than the one we received, we got $0.56, the price of my hand apparently. So, instead of buying the apples, we freaking bought my hand and stole a few apples.

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Of course, we laughed about this, but not even laughter could be the cure for the burden now on my shoulders. I haven’t even eaten the apples yet. I bet they’ll taste like shaaaaame.

The Devil of the Pines

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Throughout the course of human history, we have developed a staggering amount of mythology, lore, and religious beliefs. Countless monsters have been developed at an attempt to explain the unexplainable, but these simple myths have developed into an entirely different thing. What really are the monsters we try so hard not to believe in? The idea of monsters, as I’ve come to believe, are a manifestation of our fears. They are ideas where we can put our deepest fears, and if something bad happens, we know what to blame. But, as people, we don’t really believe in this, do we? But, if we do, does that mean that these monsters are fake?

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looks faker than Kanye

The massive wooded area called the Pine Barrens has been told to be haunted by the legendary Jersey Devil. People have come to think of it as yet another piece of lies that we have built our culture upon, but that can’t possibly be the case with this creature. The tremendous amount of evidence and witness accounts about the devil (over 2,000) can safely say that there was something that did haunt these woods. This isn’t, in fact, the only creature said to haunt the Pines. The background behind the Jersey Devil is a typical superstition. A lady named Mother Leeds (or Mrs. Shrouds) of Leeds Point, N.J., was to give birth to her 13th child. This lady had a secret desire that this child would become a devil, a terrible wish for a mother to have. But then, when she went into labor and the baby was born. Nothing abnormal was first spotted about this child. But then, only moments later, this child sprouted horns, and, in a moment of pure terror, grew into a monster 4 ft tall, with devilish features, and the last sight Mother Leeds ever saw was her own devil child killing her.

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This was 1735. Supposedly, after raiding chicken coops, killing animals, and terrifying locals, but in 1740, a local clergy exorcised the devil for 100 years and it wasn’t seen for 150 years.

But then, it came back.

The years following the ‘release’ of the devil, were, in the simplest ways possible, one of the most unexplainable events of our time. Even the most skeptical researchers can agree that there was something paranormal haunting the woods of the Pines. The years directly after the ministers exorcism wore was a little hectic to say the least. People all across southern New Jersey locked their doors and kept their children inside, for the creature would prey on animals and children. Then the sightings decreased, leaving people to believe that the creature had entirely vanished. Until the early 1900s.

In 1909, the most unexplainable event in the entirety of human history occurred. Through the week of January 16th to the 23rd, literally thousands of people spotted this creature. Apparently, it attack a trolley car in Haddon Heights and a social club in Camden. A police officer continuously fired his revolver at this beast late one night, only for no effect even when he was sure it was hit. Hundreds reported seeing peculiar and unidentified footprints in the snow (later researches tried calling them horse footprints, but there was no match). On January 19th, a long married couple named the Evans reported seeing the creature on the roof of their shed after waking up to a disruptive noise. With the Jersey Devil literally on their porch, reporters came to their home the next day, and Mrs. Evans told them that the devil was about 3 and a half feet tall, with 2 foot long wings. Apparitions of the ghostly figure even appeared alongside Pennsylvania. That was the height of the sightings. The people were so horrified that schools were closed and it was even publically addressed by the authorities. And the Philadelphia Zoo offered 10,000 dollars for a mere sample of its dung. And then, not a short time later, a woman awoke in the night to hear the impotent cries of her dog, and when she went to see what the matter was, she was petrified to see a creature with long wings, the head of a horse, and a neck like a crane, seeping its teeth in to the flesh of the dog. In a state of manic, she chased the creature away with the broom, but not before the creature ripped out a chunk of flesh from the dog. The Devil spread out its blood covered black wings, and flew off back into the darkness.

The woman who had the unfortune just to meet the Devil let alone have her dog ripped apart by it laid beside her mutilated pet in tears, while over 100 townsfolk watched, petrified and unable to help. She brought her wounded animal and inside and immediately called the police, but when they arrived deafening screeches pierced the air, while the patrolmen emptied their revolvers at the shadow that loomed above them all. The animal didn’t survive.

After this event, sightings died down and became an irregular thing to spot the Devil. The authorities addressed this publicly and stated that the 300 year old creature must have died, or it must have never been there, because a creature couldn’t live for more than that age, right? They couldn’t have been more wrong. Although the sightings died down and it became a less average thing to ever spot the unfathomable creature, it’s not like the people forgot or the sightings stopped after this. In the 1960s, a similar plague of sightings were reported, these ones less publicized and more like unexplainable noises. As the years went on, more independent sightings were reported, but the stories were still told of the unforeseen dangers that lurk within the isolated depths of the pines.

There is not one human who can tell you the exact truth of what evil lives in the woods, or what is real and what isn’t. But, what we do know is that too many people have seen this creature to deny the existence. But, if it is real, does that open a door to the other tales we were led to believe were acts of fantasy? All of the other monsters we were told were fake? Or are there also just lies in an attempt to fill the gaps of our knowledge? These questions may, in fact, never be answered. But then it leaves us to ponder. Are we really alone in this world?

Nightmare

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As human beings, we absorb interesting experiences as something we share at a dinner table, or at a party, to be accepted. Which is a horrible system. Nightmares are something we hold dear to us, because they are experiences we ourselves wouldn’t be able to live through ourselves. We emote our need for nightmares in different ways, such as fear. Nightmares, in a basic sense, give us more hope than dreams do. Hope for whatever we saw not to be true. And, in those special times when us humans live something that could be put in comparison with a nightmare, we share that story. Because humans are terrible. And that’s basically what this is.

This preceding night there was a fundraiser movie night. If the previous sentence didn’t give you an idea about what will happen next, think about this. The movie we were going to watch was Minions, that movie that we heard about for a day then never heard it again. In other words, that movie that all of us fell asleep during it. Well, imagine that exact movie, but instead of watching it in a comfortable movie theater environment where you can eat all the popcorn you want without judging yourself because it was a special occasion, you are at an elementary school gymnasium full of 12 year olds, and all these people do is wait to get out of school and make ‘jokes’ about the male anatomy. I entered the movie night fully expecting what I thought I was to see, and I wasn’t surprised. It was most likely a trap to raise money for the school. For all they cared, they could make us pay 20$ then lie about the movie and lock us in the gymnasium for hours.

But we didn’t. I knew I made a mistake by making the asinine decision to enter this place. After 20 minutes of making Ted Cruz jokes with Lucas, the movie finally started, and it was worse than the ideals of a nightmare. It was displayed through a projector on a giant white piece of paper held up by a metal rod. The quality of the picture was mortifying and the sound shook the bleachers that I was sitting on. It was only a minute or two after this that I made the brash decision to leave (to be fair, it sounded good at the time).

I picked up my phone and went to the front room with Lucas because we had enough. At this front room a coalition of moms (the ones that brag about their children on Facebook) held guard, and when we picked up our stuff it alarmed them. “Where are you going,” said one of them. They all stared at us with their mom eyes. “We…I…um….my mom….we decided to go home.” The moms looked at us like we were atheists at Jesus-con. “Well…,’ the ringleader of the moms harshly responded. “We can’t let you leave. You have to stay until 9:30.” This alarmed us for a number of reasons. “I think we’re just going to leave…” I quietly stated with the confidence of the whatever from The Wizard of Oz. “I’m sorry,  I really am,” she continued. “But you’ll have to stay unless your mother or father picks you up.” Challenged by this, I quietly said, “Fine then,” and then greatly outwitted their mom logic. I pulled out my phone and dialed for my mom. The relief of hearing a voice that didn’t have a demon possessing it was wonderful. I put it on speaker, and then one of the other-moms said, “Kristen, Charlie would like to walk home, and we were just wondering if you could allow this.” The thought that a mom who knew not one thing about me didn’t believe I had the mental-capacity or maturity to traverse the small distance of 4 blocks when the sun was still out was humiliating. My mom quickly respond, “Yes, of course,” and that was the greatest relief of my life. Defeated by this, the other-mom said in a moment of anguish, “If you leave and you regret it, you won’t be allowed to go back.” Good, I thought to myself. While walking out, I looked back at them only to see them all stare back with pure black eyes. This is the horrifying truth behind moms. There must be like an underground cult following of moms that they use to organize and keep track of all of the immature children. Oh wait. That’s Facebook.

People and Their Opinions

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This is something I’ve been meaning to address for quite some time now. How people will incessantly and rudely state their opinion anytime they feel threatened enough to do so.

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Alright, lets test you in this. You are innocently scrolling through your Facebook feed, but then, you see the most sad, utterly most upsetting meme that has ever graced the page. You could scroll past it, like a normal, functioning human being, but of course, you decided against it, and decided to bring it to their attention that you are displeased with one of their posts. You say, ‘that is really sad, pawpaw’s grandkids should have eaten those extra burgers, you shouldn’t have posted this because of how offensive it was.’

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You just can’t understand how upsetting this is, but in this situation it is for a multitude of reasons. It’s an image. An image with words. It may not say words you like, but you can’t help that, and bringing it to their attention that you don’t like it will make the situation worse. Just….just get over it. Get a hobby. Sign up for a Club Penguin account. Do whatever you’d like. It’s an image. It can’t harm you. Unless you really do see a picture that may trigger you or actually, truly is actually offensive, that’s alright. That’s understandable. There are two types of people here.

Also, it is absolutely terrible when some people try to force their opinion on other people. This one is the most upsetting. Alright, here’s the situation: You are walking down the street, and along the way, you see two men holding hands. Instead of respecting the fact that they both love each other and love comes in all forms, you point it out to them that being homosexual is against your religion or whatever. That may be true. Being gay or different may be something you don’t agree with. But you don’t have to literally push you beliefs on other people. We can’t all be the same, and you can’t push people to the standards you set out. People are meant to be different, and that’s fine. I mean, some people feel insecure with their gender and want to change. That’s fine. You don’t have to push the fact on them that you are uncomfortable with their change. It won’t affect you. Not once. Not ever. It is their decision how they are going to live their own life and that is how it is going to be for them.

I’m freaking 12 years old, not even a teenager, and I know for sure that I am smarter than most of those people. And I know I’m being a massive hypocrite by shoving my opinion of opinionated people, but I know that it is for this cause and this cause only that I’m saying this. That felt so good to get off of my chest.

The Philadelphia Flower Show

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If you would’ve asked me, in all honesty, I would say that I don’t give a bat crap about flowers. Flowers are just…… flowers. But, that opinion of mine changed a year before this moment. That was when I had the pleasure of going to The Philadelphia Flower Show for the first time. But, today, an entire year later, I’m going back again.
On the fateful Sunday morning that I anxiously awaited for a long time, I awoke with a jolt, and in a vibrant, fast paced daze I got myself ready for the day lying ahead. We piled into the car while I pondered over that obscure Beyonce song that was stuck in my head. With the car ride only being the tedious moments between the best thing that would ever happen. But then, we arrived….

We entered through the doors, and upon just entering the place we already could tell that we were in for something great. It felt so exotic yet so close to home at the same time. I can’t even describe the thoughts that went on in my head during that specific moment in time, but, it was magic. Then, we walked into a massive, cylindrical room, which was decorated with wooden animals on the side and flowers intricately spread throughout the room. In all honesty, I’d truly feel as if it was a national park if it wasn’t for the concrete floor and ceiling. As a centerpiece, there was a little stone structure with a waterfall in the middle, which was something that I needed to include because of how wonderful it was.

Now, there is no chance in this world that I am going to be able to describe every single exhibit that I saw on this day, so, I will just share my favorite displays and moments.
What has to be my favorite exhibit was when there was a walk-through little field where it was wondrously decorated with animal figures made out of wood, moss, grass, and other natural materials. There was deer, and owls and birds perched upon wooden branches, all surrounding a predominantly displayed oak tree, with a walkway in the middle that allowed people to walk right through. Inside the mystical oak, if you looked up, you would see a wonderful display of color and flowers, arranged in a beautiful way.

One that was most definitely worth mentioning was the Acadia national park exhibit, where there was an impassable clearing flooded with basically a flower every square inch. And they all went up to my knees in height. The enchanting little place was barricaded from a massive wall of pine bushes, and it was only visible from a little empty spot. I’ve actually been to Acadia at a different time in my short life, and I can safely say that they had the same magic.

And, in my final tale of the night, let’s take a trip to the Liberty Bell national park exhibit. Above the passerby’s head was a massive depiction of the liberty bell. It was covered in patriotic flowers, and there was a spot where people could pose for photos with the Declaration of Independence as a background. If you think that’s patriotic, they also reanimated George Washington and Benjamin Franklin and had bald eagles play Yankee Doodle on pianos.

But, as Chewbacca from Star Wars once said, days pass by, life moves on, so you can’t get upset about the little things. We left. But, in all honesty, I think that this year’s was better than last year’s, and last year’s set a pretty high standard for flowers. I knew that I would leave that place happy. To be honest, I would recommend going to the flower show to anyone living on this planet, to be honest. But, if you are going, trust me on this – bring your own food. It costs like 9 bucks for a chicken tender there.

Complications.

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Well….. so….umm… this is awkward. It feels nice to sit here once more, aimlessly staring at a complex and detailed void that we call the internet. I wonder who was the person who invented the concept of the internet, because they basically created a monster. We’re getting off track here.

It’s been an interesting month (in other words, binge-watching Japanese anime series on Netflix while also regularly going to Hot Topic). But seriously, even though I do have some legitimate reasons why I couldn’t write here for the past 39 days there was a pressing weight that fell on me during that time that drove to the point of beginning to write a sentence, but then getting distracted by either text messages, Netflix, cat photos, or just basically dropping the whole idea because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even though I was never doing anything other than binge-watching anime and going on Instagram regularly it was just a hard thing to imagine. The inspiration to write here kind of just went bust and it was hard to say anything of my own for a while. But, for the most part, I have rekindled the dismayed embers and hopefully I am back in the throne (if they had thrones in the sewer which is probably my level)!

In order to make things easier to actually write here, I think for the beginning I will just make it go by a schedule, and for a little while instead of writing about my normal things I might go for fiction stories and in other cases, funny and ridiculous things that happen in my life. But, before all that happens, please enjoy these photos of cats next to cucumbers.

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Wait… that final one, if you look closely, isn’t a cat next to a cucumber. Who is that?….wait a second…. IT’S MIRANDA COSGROVE!!!!

The Truth is Out There.

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Ever since late January, I have been obsessed with the X Files. I feel like that was a show I was born to watch. Like, it was a fixed point in time that one day I would blindly decide to spend my days binge-watching a show about aliens on Netflix. But this show has really opened my mind, something which is indeterminable whether it is good or bad, because now, my reasoning behind every thing to exist is aliens. It’s not like I’m wrong though. ALIENS ARE OUT THERE!!! The angel and devil that appear on your shoulders when you are making a decision are no longer there for me- now it’s Mulder and Scully.

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I so desperately want to see an alien, the desire to see one is intoxicating and it is starting to cloud up my normal thoughts. For example, any car that drives behind our own when we are on the road is a government official trekking behind to exterminate me because I know too much on their hidden agenda that a secret society of elites are devising a way to eradicate of most of the general population so they can keep us under control while they rule the entire land we once called our home. Also, every light we see piercing the night sky, whether it be when we are driving home from visiting somewhere at night or some other reason, the light that is thought to be a plane voyaging throughout the realm above us is most definitely a foreign unidentified aircraft that is going to land within an unknown government air base where they test alien technology that they harvested from the Roswell crash of 1947. Every time you have deja vu, when you feel as if you are living an event that you lived already over again, it is actually an extraterrestrial entity delving within your mind to monitor your thoughts. I need help.

Obsession is the prominent word to describe the relations between me and the X Files. I JUST CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND AND I’M WATCHING IT ON NETFLIX AS I TYPE!!! OH MY GOD!! If anyone doesn’t like the X Files they are no longer a respectable human through my eyes. Mulder and Scully though! I can’t get my thoughts out straight! I just can’t stop thinking about the different aspects of the universe that we have come to believe aren’t true. It’s just groundbreaking for me to see all this unfold, even though the storylines can be just pieces of caffeinated rants strung together to make the most flawless, perfect tale ever to be told ever. Alright, I hope my words have sunk in by now, but for the time being before you decide to binge-watch the whole series and forget about everything else in life like I have, the truth is out there.

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