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The Universe According To Charlie

~ Tales of a Harry Potter obsessed, Disney referencing 12-year-old

The Universe According To Charlie

Tag Archives: Blogging

The General Problem with Blogging

16 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by Charlie in Writing

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Blog, blogger, Blogging, wordpress, writer, Writing

I have blogged religiously for 2 years now, but over the preceding months I have lost a bit of the energy and motivation to do so anymore. Over these past few months it has become more of a liability than actually something I would enjoy to do, but whenever I actually went to write I found myself enjoying it and promising to write at a more frequent rate. A lot like going to the gym in that sense. But, I swear to god I have dozens of drafts saved that I never bothered to finished. I have found my self so infatuated with my current life that I keep exiting the flow of it and subsequently losing interest. That is my general area of concern with this whole structure and platform. Motivation is extremely lacking in my general mindset. And with the whole new introduction to middle school I find myself even more distanced from the platform than I ever was. The website is essentially a ghost at this point but I will soon resurrect it with the coming of NaBloPoMo and the drafts I am currently finishing as of now, for I am now sick of the abstinence I’ve been practicing on this blog. Alright then. Speaking of me, I dropped my phone in a 7 foot deep river of rocks, and my student ID was also in my phone, so THAT will be fun explaining to my homeroom teacher. Well, I think that was enough. Thank you for reading. I will now play a gag I keep resuscitating as a result of my lack of comedic material. Enjoy this complimentary photo of Danny Devito.

puggy-devito

An Ode to September

01 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by Charlie in Fall, Seasonal, september

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blogger, Blogging, Fall, General, Humor, Seasonal, september, wordpress, Writing

It feels like September is some sort of seasonal relief. In the midst of suffering the unendurable weather we’ve put up with for the past few months, leaves fall and everything changes. Anyone can attest that this is the distinctions between seasons, but I view it as some sort of demimonde between the insufferable heat of Summer and the harsh and unyielding cold of the Winter. That’s what I love and always will love about the season. Seemingly infinite lines of 30 something white stereotypes wearing red scarfs and UGG boots waiting to get their first pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks, the look and smell of ruptured pumpkin organs, early comers who decorate for Halloween the second September hits, it is all too much to take in. The general aesthetic and feel of the season to come is a whole different world in itself. So, I beg of you, enjoy the beginning, sip an unofficially released Starbucks PSL, and have a wonderful day

shreekingintensifies

Back to School

27 Saturday Aug 2016

Posted by Charlie in Stories, Uncategorized

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Tags

Blog, blogger, Blogging, Funny, Humor, Life, Lifestyle, People, Seasonal, society

The pale and gaunt horseman that is the embodiment of September is riding in to town and the concept of summer is slipping beneath our fingertips like sand in an hourglass. With that comes another wave of post-millennial complaints and whines about the forthcoming school year. I personally have no problem with the back to school deals and sales that litter the days of July and August in every commercial retailer known to man. I find it reassuring that other children specifically hate this one time of year where their ‘freedom’ is washed away and I love it. Maybe it’s because I’m a regimented human. I need to have a schedule to go by or I crash and burn, and with an entire summer of completely unstructured time I don’t know how to contain myself. Which by some means explain how I’ve managed to binge watch 11 seasons of Supernatural within the past 2 months. But, enough about me.

backtoschool

Since I am entering the 7th grade and starting my tenure at middle school (only 10 more years of schooling left….yay?), today we went to the local Walmart (the most evil corporation that has ever existed) to go shopping for school supplies. I grabbed the list and already I saw what was going to go terribly wrong. For school, it said I needed 3 3 inch binders, which are absolutely massive. For something absolutely colossal comes great price, which totals around 30$ for all 3. I chose to ignore this and leave it for my mom to worry about. But I need you to understand what this experience really was like. There was a countless array of aisles filled with screaming and crying crib lizards clung to overworked moms who chose to look past their whining little ones to get a deal on binders. I cannot stress enough how terrible this was. Despite all of this, I went to grab the pencils, hoping that would make out to be an actual win in all of this. But there was something wrong. The aisle was flooded with crap brands like Dixon and Paper Mate instead of the lovely Ticonderoga. I kid you not, I nearly had a full-fledged panic attack while tearing through these joke pencils in anguish.  Before all light seeped out beneath me, I saw yet another ankle-biter in tears clung to his mother (which shouldn’t have raised any red flags or any concern due to the fact that this is Walmart’s main demographic), but he was holding a pack of Ticonderoga pencils.

I walked opposite of the direction they were headed to hopefully find where the source of these were. Here, there was a smaller aisle where the partition between rows was so low you could see the person on the other side. It was filled with irritatingly blue cardboard boxes filled with Crayola colored pencils and more of those cheap things I mentioned earlier. I walked among this aisle slowly and reproachfully, cautious of what I might find. And then, next to the little boy smoking a crayon, there it was. A massive collective filled to the brim with packs of Ticonderoga pencils. I grabbed what I needed and traversed back to the mothership. Seeing as everyone had an equally terrible experience garnering supplies, we paid and got out of that horrible place.

There still are more terrible things to be said about the month preluding school that I haven’t even begun to describe. The imminent sense of impending doom placed on parents rushing from store to store to gather all the supplies necessary for the beginning. The stress placed on younger ones who haven’t even thought to begin a 5 page essay that was due by the end of the summer. I could delve in to this one subject for hours and waste paragraphs of your time resuscitating days worth of information you already knew. But I’ll spare you, the reader, of it this one time. Farewell

~Charlie

 

 

No Man’s Sky

18 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by Charlie in News, Sad Experiences, Uncategorized

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blogger, Blogging, blogs, Comedy, culture, Funny, Humor, Humour, News, no mans sky, Opinion, twitter, wordpress, Writing

A year or so ago, word broke out in my hood* about a in-development Indie game called No Man’s Sky. Centered around an infinite, procedural generated sci-fi universe, the game was essentially based around exploration and learning about alternative worlds… and, that’s it. It had to offer over 18 quintillion different planets, alien species, and allowed space travel like never seen before in a game. Without any load screens and completely different gameplay then seen before, No Man’s Sky allowed an immersive experience that would revolutionize the industry.

Then I couldn’t buy it because it would only run on a PC created by Jesus himself

dwight.gif

I swear to god, hours of my life were spent and wasted doing physical and manual labor in the back yard to earn the money necessary to buy this 60$ waste of storage, only to find that the time spent stacking bricks beside the outhouse was misused and completely unnecessary now that my computer didn’t even fit the requirements of 8GB RAM. I was so ready to explore the universe that I lost my sense of direction and ended up crashing in to the nearest gas station. But when the game was legitimately released last Friday, thousands of negative reviews were procured at an alarming rate due to lag and complete boredom with its’ tiresome concept that would lose its novelty after an hour. At this point, the struggle was real*.

Through hours of incessant and frantic Googling I found no water at the bottom of this desolate well. That’s when the realization set in that this small dream would never reach its height and would most likely never be accomplished. The despondency then set in as the light seeped out between the cracks that surfaced through the pain and suffering. It was like a teenaged girl suffering from a break up from a boy with a sizable age difference causing the mother to disapprove. I spent my weekend watching then rewatching Mean Girls with all the shade closed and a bowl of chocolate marshmallow ice cream in hand.

In the end, the whole experience of not playing the game I have fantasized about for around a year sucked. But the salt was washed away now that it has dawned upon me that virtually no one with a PC similar to mine has had a good experience with this. Essentially, what this is to other wonderful games is what meat is to vegans. The moral of today’s story is that our consumerism based culture is singlehandedly the biggest flaw and method of control humanity has ever succumbed to in our brief tenure on this small planet. It will drive the innocent to step across the border that the have plotted out for themselves and go to great lengths only to uncover a big, steaming pile of pure, unadulterated disappointment.

http-%2F%2Fmashable.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F07%2Fcrying-waterfalls

*I apologize for my imprudent hip dialogue but I couldn’t be a Flintstone forever

 

The Devil of the Pines

19 Thursday May 2016

Posted by Charlie in Stories, Uncategorized

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Animals, Blog, Blogging, culture, folklore, lore, new jersey, Scary, Stories, Writing

Throughout the course of human history, we have developed a staggering amount of mythology, lore, and religious beliefs. Countless monsters have been developed at an attempt to explain the unexplainable, but these simple myths have developed into an entirely different thing. What really are the monsters we try so hard not to believe in? The idea of monsters, as I’ve come to believe, are a manifestation of our fears. They are ideas where we can put our deepest fears, and if something bad happens, we know what to blame. But, as people, we don’t really believe in this, do we? But, if we do, does that mean that these monsters are fake?

thejerseydevil

looks faker than Kanye

The massive wooded area called the Pine Barrens has been told to be haunted by the legendary Jersey Devil. People have come to think of it as yet another piece of lies that we have built our culture upon, but that can’t possibly be the case with this creature. The tremendous amount of evidence and witness accounts about the devil (over 2,000) can safely say that there was something that did haunt these woods. This isn’t, in fact, the only creature said to haunt the Pines. The background behind the Jersey Devil is a typical superstition. A lady named Mother Leeds (or Mrs. Shrouds) of Leeds Point, N.J., was to give birth to her 13th child. This lady had a secret desire that this child would become a devil, a terrible wish for a mother to have. But then, when she went into labor and the baby was born. Nothing abnormal was first spotted about this child. But then, only moments later, this child sprouted horns, and, in a moment of pure terror, grew into a monster 4 ft tall, with devilish features, and the last sight Mother Leeds ever saw was her own devil child killing her.

agh

This was 1735. Supposedly, after raiding chicken coops, killing animals, and terrifying locals, but in 1740, a local clergy exorcised the devil for 100 years and it wasn’t seen for 150 years.

But then, it came back.

The years following the ‘release’ of the devil, were, in the simplest ways possible, one of the most unexplainable events of our time. Even the most skeptical researchers can agree that there was something paranormal haunting the woods of the Pines. The years directly after the ministers exorcism wore was a little hectic to say the least. People all across southern New Jersey locked their doors and kept their children inside, for the creature would prey on animals and children. Then the sightings decreased, leaving people to believe that the creature had entirely vanished. Until the early 1900s.

In 1909, the most unexplainable event in the entirety of human history occurred. Through the week of January 16th to the 23rd, literally thousands of people spotted this creature. Apparently, it attack a trolley car in Haddon Heights and a social club in Camden. A police officer continuously fired his revolver at this beast late one night, only for no effect even when he was sure it was hit. Hundreds reported seeing peculiar and unidentified footprints in the snow (later researches tried calling them horse footprints, but there was no match). On January 19th, a long married couple named the Evans reported seeing the creature on the roof of their shed after waking up to a disruptive noise. With the Jersey Devil literally on their porch, reporters came to their home the next day, and Mrs. Evans told them that the devil was about 3 and a half feet tall, with 2 foot long wings. Apparitions of the ghostly figure even appeared alongside Pennsylvania. That was the height of the sightings. The people were so horrified that schools were closed and it was even publically addressed by the authorities. And the Philadelphia Zoo offered 10,000 dollars for a mere sample of its dung. And then, not a short time later, a woman awoke in the night to hear the impotent cries of her dog, and when she went to see what the matter was, she was petrified to see a creature with long wings, the head of a horse, and a neck like a crane, seeping its teeth in to the flesh of the dog. In a state of manic, she chased the creature away with the broom, but not before the creature ripped out a chunk of flesh from the dog. The Devil spread out its blood covered black wings, and flew off back into the darkness.

The woman who had the unfortune just to meet the Devil let alone have her dog ripped apart by it laid beside her mutilated pet in tears, while over 100 townsfolk watched, petrified and unable to help. She brought her wounded animal and inside and immediately called the police, but when they arrived deafening screeches pierced the air, while the patrolmen emptied their revolvers at the shadow that loomed above them all. The animal didn’t survive.

After this event, sightings died down and became an irregular thing to spot the Devil. The authorities addressed this publicly and stated that the 300 year old creature must have died, or it must have never been there, because a creature couldn’t live for more than that age, right? They couldn’t have been more wrong. Although the sightings died down and it became a less average thing to ever spot the unfathomable creature, it’s not like the people forgot or the sightings stopped after this. In the 1960s, a similar plague of sightings were reported, these ones less publicized and more like unexplainable noises. As the years went on, more independent sightings were reported, but the stories were still told of the unforeseen dangers that lurk within the isolated depths of the pines.

There is not one human who can tell you the exact truth of what evil lives in the woods, or what is real and what isn’t. But, what we do know is that too many people have seen this creature to deny the existence. But, if it is real, does that open a door to the other tales we were led to believe were acts of fantasy? All of the other monsters we were told were fake? Or are there also just lies in an attempt to fill the gaps of our knowledge? These questions may, in fact, never be answered. But then it leaves us to ponder. Are we really alone in this world?

Nightmare

13 Friday May 2016

Posted by Charlie in Lucas, Stories

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Blog, Blogging, Comedy, culture, Funny, General, Humor, Kids, Opinion, People, Stories, Thoughts, Writing

As human beings, we absorb interesting experiences as something we share at a dinner table, or at a party, to be accepted. Which is a horrible system. Nightmares are something we hold dear to us, because they are experiences we ourselves wouldn’t be able to live through ourselves. We emote our need for nightmares in different ways, such as fear. Nightmares, in a basic sense, give us more hope than dreams do. Hope for whatever we saw not to be true. And, in those special times when us humans live something that could be put in comparison with a nightmare, we share that story. Because humans are terrible. And that’s basically what this is.

This preceding night there was a fundraiser movie night. If the previous sentence didn’t give you an idea about what will happen next, think about this. The movie we were going to watch was Minions, that movie that we heard about for a day then never heard it again. In other words, that movie that all of us fell asleep during it. Well, imagine that exact movie, but instead of watching it in a comfortable movie theater environment where you can eat all the popcorn you want without judging yourself because it was a special occasion, you are at an elementary school gymnasium full of 12 year olds, and all these people do is wait to get out of school and make ‘jokes’ about the male anatomy. I entered the movie night fully expecting what I thought I was to see, and I wasn’t surprised. It was most likely a trap to raise money for the school. For all they cared, they could make us pay 20$ then lie about the movie and lock us in the gymnasium for hours.

But we didn’t. I knew I made a mistake by making the asinine decision to enter this place. After 20 minutes of making Ted Cruz jokes with Lucas, the movie finally started, and it was worse than the ideals of a nightmare. It was displayed through a projector on a giant white piece of paper held up by a metal rod. The quality of the picture was mortifying and the sound shook the bleachers that I was sitting on. It was only a minute or two after this that I made the brash decision to leave (to be fair, it sounded good at the time).

I picked up my phone and went to the front room with Lucas because we had enough. At this front room a coalition of moms (the ones that brag about their children on Facebook) held guard, and when we picked up our stuff it alarmed them. “Where are you going,” said one of them. They all stared at us with their mom eyes. “We…I…um….my mom….we decided to go home.” The moms looked at us like we were atheists at Jesus-con. “Well…,’ the ringleader of the moms harshly responded. “We can’t let you leave. You have to stay until 9:30.” This alarmed us for a number of reasons. “I think we’re just going to leave…” I quietly stated with the confidence of the whatever from The Wizard of Oz. “I’m sorry,  I really am,” she continued. “But you’ll have to stay unless your mother or father picks you up.” Challenged by this, I quietly said, “Fine then,” and then greatly outwitted their mom logic. I pulled out my phone and dialed for my mom. The relief of hearing a voice that didn’t have a demon possessing it was wonderful. I put it on speaker, and then one of the other-moms said, “Kristen, Charlie would like to walk home, and we were just wondering if you could allow this.” The thought that a mom who knew not one thing about me didn’t believe I had the mental-capacity or maturity to traverse the small distance of 4 blocks when the sun was still out was humiliating. My mom quickly respond, “Yes, of course,” and that was the greatest relief of my life. Defeated by this, the other-mom said in a moment of anguish, “If you leave and you regret it, you won’t be allowed to go back.” Good, I thought to myself. While walking out, I looked back at them only to see them all stare back with pure black eyes. This is the horrifying truth behind moms. There must be like an underground cult following of moms that they use to organize and keep track of all of the immature children. Oh wait. That’s Facebook.

Complications.

12 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by Charlie in Uncategorized, update

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Blog, bloggers, Blogging, Comedy, General, Humor, News, People, Writing

Well….. so….umm… this is awkward. It feels nice to sit here once more, aimlessly staring at a complex and detailed void that we call the internet. I wonder who was the person who invented the concept of the internet, because they basically created a monster. We’re getting off track here.

It’s been an interesting month (in other words, binge-watching Japanese anime series on Netflix while also regularly going to Hot Topic). But seriously, even though I do have some legitimate reasons why I couldn’t write here for the past 39 days there was a pressing weight that fell on me during that time that drove to the point of beginning to write a sentence, but then getting distracted by either text messages, Netflix, cat photos, or just basically dropping the whole idea because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even though I was never doing anything other than binge-watching anime and going on Instagram regularly it was just a hard thing to imagine. The inspiration to write here kind of just went bust and it was hard to say anything of my own for a while. But, for the most part, I have rekindled the dismayed embers and hopefully I am back in the throne (if they had thrones in the sewer which is probably my level)!

In order to make things easier to actually write here, I think for the beginning I will just make it go by a schedule, and for a little while instead of writing about my normal things I might go for fiction stories and in other cases, funny and ridiculous things that happen in my life. But, before all that happens, please enjoy these photos of cats next to cucumbers.

catvscucumbers1

catvscucumbers2

dumpthetrump,jpg

Wait… that final one, if you look closely, isn’t a cat next to a cucumber. Who is that?….wait a second…. IT’S MIRANDA COSGROVE!!!!

Personality.

21 Thursday Jan 2016

Posted by Charlie in Uncategorized

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Blog, Blogging, Comedy, Funny, General, Humor, Life, People, Stories, Writing

I don’t know who I think I am yet. And I’m not completely sure that’s a good thing.

Some moments I am normal, and I can safely call myself sane, and overall a person. Others I feel more like crudely Photoshopping my face on to stuff.

starbucks

luckycharms

They’re grrrrrreat!!!! Wait… wrong cereal

harrypotter

quakeroats

I don’t know how or in what way to deal with that. And I don’t think a way to will be clear anytime soon. Today in school, I wore my panda hat and scarf to school, and throughout the entire recess I felt obliged to the thought of randomly becoming a hipster. So the whole time I was talking about new vegan diet plans and Starbucks. I am a cool kid.

And other times, I am the saddest person in the world. If I start being happy my mind immediately reminds myself that I’m supposed to be sad right now, and it starts up again and I’m the saddest person in the world. It’s like if you put dead hens in to a blender and mixed it up with lemon juice that is what the feeling is like. Even right now while typing about it I’m laughing because of how dumb it may sound.

A new one that I have uncovered recently is me being on the edge. During math time in school, I completely forgot about what was doing and instead inverted my intentions from converting fractions of percentages to trying to get the attention of Lucas and then wear my panda hat to the side of my head like you can find most kids whose permanent thoughts are set on football or shorts, and say ‘I eat Reece’s Puffs.’ And then spend the rest of the period staring at the wall contemplating the choices I’ve made in my short life.

Finally, a lot of the time I am excessively happy- for no reason. This happens to me for at least 30 minutes in a day where I am looking at the clouds, thinking, ‘What nice clouds! That cloud is shaped like a happy puppy who got adopted by 2 nice old people who used to be in a biker gang until they realized their hips weren’t in it.’ And then I continue that thought, until I snap out of it and become a normal human being.

 

I don’t honestly think I’m normal at this point. Or ever will be. And that’s fine by me, because I’ve done an exceptional job at accepting this fact. I’m probably only normal for about 1 hour per day, and that’s pretty much the maximum. And maybe that explains how I got myself and 2 others in to a massive argument about who is the Lorax when I suddenly got obsessed with this picture and sent it to a group chat with the tagline, ‘I am the Lorax.’

Lorax

Ah, well. I guess I’ll just go back to binge-watching The X Files on Netflix.

 

 

 

My Pre-New Year’s Goals

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by Charlie in Seasonal, Uncategorized

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2015, Blog, Blogging, Comedy, Funny, General, Humor, News, Opinion, Seasonal, Writing

2 days from now, the Earth makes another monumental shift in to the uncharted path of the bountiful 365 days before us all, a land of the unknown. Our last days of 2015 are here, and I’d like to make the most of the time we have left before that happens. So, here is my pre-New Year Bucket List:

  • BEFORE 2016, I want to find the panda.

panda

Seriously though…. I can not tell you the amount of hours spent trying to find where Waldo’s cousin is.

  • BEFORE 2016, I want to go on one of those hoverboard things and hopefully not burst in to flames while doing it.
  • BEFORE 2016, I want to find the cat.

findthatcat

  • BEFORE 2016, I want to find out why the world won’t stop obsessing over Adele and Star Wars
  • BEFORE 2016, I would like to have a meme made of myself
  • BEFORE 2016, I want to wear The Dress (remember when everyone was obsessed with that?)

The_Dress_(viral_phenomenon)

  • BEFORE 2016, I want to sip straight out of a satanist Starbucks Christmas cup.

redcups

I bet the only play ‘Have A Holly Jolly Christmas’ 976 times in a day.

  • BEFORE 2016, I will ‘Netflix and chill,’ catch the runaway llamas, hunt down the Cecil the lion killer, go to Jurassic world, show Antman pesticide, and shoot down the Millennium falcon.

AND FINALLY…

  • BEFORE 2016, I want to eat Chipotle. E-coli bacteria or not. I want Chipotle food.

No More NaBloPoMo!!!

30 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by Charlie in Uncategorized

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Blog, Blogging, Comedy, Funny, Humor, Life, NaBloPoMo, News, Writing

For an entire month, every single day, to be specific, I had to endure the torture of having to write a blog post every single night. It was hard. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT!!!!

I jumped hurdles, traveled on the underside of trucks, chewed my way through a giant vat of black licorice, binge-watched horrible Christmas movies that are played incessantly on the Hallmark channel, and after all of that, here I am, being able to finally just say right here that I did it. I actually have free time now! Room to have a social life! Even though I can’t necessarily say that I did it within the rules we were given, because at three different times I wrote about absolutely nothing, which was the case yesterday. BUT WHO CARES!!!

And all of the posts were rather long, with the exception of one or two. I’m sad to say, though, after this, I have thought to myself that I will never do NaBloPoMo again. To be fair, last year I said the exact same thing, and, if you were to look where I am now, I am typing the exact same thing right now, and now it is most likely entwined in my fate to do it once more and deny repeating the cycle. Oh, I don’t care. This was a great experience, and, for lack of a better word, it was a lot of fun.

If you have caught on by this point, though, at the middle or so of my NaBloPoMo escapade, I somewhat let myself go, because the only intent that I was fixated on during that period of time was that of just trying to make it out of that mess without getting myself murdered by the collapsing threshold of this universe I have created myself. And that is still what I’m doing, because, at this moment, oh, I can’t believe I’m sharing this (I’m so ashamed!), I am watching Hallmark Christmas movies. You know what? I think I am going to just stop right here, before I put myself in to making a monologue about how I detest Hallmark Christmas movies. I am just so glad this is over. I’M OFF THE HOOK!! I DON’T HAVE TO WRITE NIGHTLY ANYMORE!

I am taking a break, BECAUSE I HATE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE AND THE PAIN YOU MADE ME GO THROUGH FOR THE PAST 29 DAY!!!! Well, if you were to blog without end for days and days, eventually reaching an end to the once a plethora of ideas to rant about and just having to come up with topics out of thin air, you would feel like I’m feeling right now. So, whenever I feel like blogging again, which will most likely be within this week, because I am that good of a person. Ok, again, I am just going to stop right here before I get myself in to a pointless monologue and end up making myself look worse than that of the way I already make myself look, so, GOODNIGHT!!!

 

I’M DONE!!!

marypooping

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