No Man’s Sky

Tags

blogger, Blogging, blogs, Comedy, culture, Funny, Humor, Humour, News, no mans sky, Opinion, twitter, wordpress, Writing

A year or so ago, word broke out in my hood* about a in-development Indie game called No Man’s Sky. Centered around an infinite, procedural generated sci-fi universe, the game was essentially based around exploration and learning about alternative worlds… and, that’s it. It had to offer over 18 quintillion different planets, alien species, and allowed space travel like never seen before in a game. Without any load screens and completely different gameplay then seen before, No Man’s Sky allowed an immersive experience that would revolutionize the industry.

Then I couldn’t buy it because it would only run on a PC created by Jesus himself

I swear to god, hours of my life were spent and wasted doing physical and manual labor in the back yard to earn the money necessary to buy this 60$ waste of storage, only to find that the time spent stacking bricks beside the outhouse was misused and completely unnecessary now that my computer didn’t even fit the requirements of 8GB RAM. I was so ready to explore the universe that I lost my sense of direction and ended up crashing in to the nearest gas station. But when the game was legitimately released last Friday, thousands of negative reviews were procured at an alarming rate due to lag and complete boredom with its’ tiresome concept that would lose its novelty after an hour. At this point, the struggle was real*.

Through hours of incessant and frantic Googling I found no water at the bottom of this desolate well. That’s when the realization set in that this small dream would never reach its height and would most likely never be accomplished. The despondency then set in as the light seeped out between the cracks that surfaced through the pain and suffering. It was like a teenaged girl suffering from a break up from a boy with a sizable age difference causing the mother to disapprove. I spent my weekend watching then rewatching Mean Girls with all the shade closed and a bowl of chocolate marshmallow ice cream in hand.

In the end, the whole experience of not playing the game I have fantasized about for around a year sucked. But the salt was washed away now that it has dawned upon me that virtually no one with a PC similar to mine has had a good experience with this. Essentially, what this is to other wonderful games is what meat is to vegans. The moral of today’s story is that our consumerism based culture is singlehandedly the biggest flaw and method of control humanity has ever succumbed to in our brief tenure on this small planet. It will drive the innocent to step across the border that the have plotted out for themselves and go to great lengths only to uncover a big, steaming pile of pure, unadulterated disappointment.

*I apologize for my imprudent hip dialogue but I couldn’t be a Flintstone forever

 

Advertisements

The Purge: Survival Tips

Tags

Blog, Holiday, Humor, Life, movie, News, Opinion, Seasonal, the purge, Writing

If you are one of those unfortunate souls who haven’t been one with the internet webs, The Purge is essentially a horror movie trilogy that brought to the table an interesting concept which made it a massively talked about movie, but instead of delivering a well thought out, well orchestrated plot line it fell on its face with it. Horror movie cliches burdened the movie in to one of those run of the mill home invasion flicks. If you haven’t been hip with all the new stuff and more, like, shoulder, The Purge details the events of what happens once a year when all crime, including murder, is legal. In an America ridden with crime, the New Founding Fathers were elected in to office and voted to make an annual genocide Christmas. In the movie they go on about how the Purge lets them quell all the rage and anger they have garnered in them. Then a ragtag gang of killers with masks come up and splatter the movie with blood.

eyyyyy

I think I got all of you caught up with the movie. Now let’s get on with the tips to survive the annual night of lawlessness (if it ever happens).

1.) Board up your home way earlier than the people in the films

 On the day before the Purge don’t hesitate to lock down. Like, take the day off or something like that or lock up the house hours beforehand. The dad in the first film didn’t lock up until the Purge started. Which is his first mistake, of course. The angsty 18 year old boyfriend got in and nearly shot him. And (just saying), if I was a purger, I’d sneak myself in to a rich family’s home hours before because who’s going to care? Would I be arrested the day after for breaking and entering before the purge started? No one would know, because the family would have already died because of the constant stupidity.

2.) Or, don’t even board up your home. Hide in a forest

As we heard in the second film, the purgers (spoiler alert) are paid by the government to eradicate those too weak to defend themselves (such as the homeless and people in hospitals), thus making the money fluctuate upwards and making the economy great once more. The purgers would only look in da hood and target the homeless and those who can’t defend themselves. In a forest it wouldn’t be filled with psychopaths and no one would be able to find you, making it a perfect hide out from those murderers.

3.) Don’t have a morally correct child

 In the first film it is widely known that the son has a recalcitrant attitude toward the night of the Purge. He has morals and he doesn’t want to see anyone murdered. So it is natural that we hate this child already. When the homeless man arrived at their door screaming for help, of course it was this child who had to let him in. The homeless man was a target for purging, and soon afterwards those fudge rag purgers broke in and killed the dad, ultimately scarring what’s left of the family for life.

4.) Make amends with your neighbors

 You’ll never know which of your spastic lard cracker neighbors will be the one to end your life, so the smart thing to do bake those cookies for Alisa or mow Dave’s lawn. Or, you could be a total buttwipe and make yourself look intimidating to your neighbors making them afraid to even try to mess with you.

5.) Go out and participate

Put on your creepy mask and walk out the door with a gang of equally creepy psychopathic freaks on this special occasion when America decides to get all homicidal and crap. When fellow purgers see you they don’t see any reason to kill or maim you since you have the exact same power and can just as easily kill them (I don’t recommend this one). Or, you don’t even have to kill people, as long as you have your weapons and your mask (and a blood stain or two) that will definitely scare off and people willing to mess around.

6.) Make a specialized panic room

 If you’re not feeling up to mass murdering a bunch of frat boys in ski masks invading your home while also talking about the latest Game of Thrones episode, you can just as easily have a specialized room for worst case scenarios. As long as it is well hidden and can protect you for long periods of time it doesn’t matter how big it is. Food, water, and oxygen are obviously necessities along with weapons you can retaliate with should be placed in the room along with entertainment so boredom isn’t your cause of death.

7.) Arm yourself

Tonight you aren’t taking any of those purgers’ crap. Arm yourself and your family well with actual guns instead of just pistols, a mistake made in the first movie. You never know who will invade and whoever does will sure get a surprise coming for them when you show up.

Alright, well I hope I have shared enough in order to help you survive the fictional purge. Try not to get yourself killed there, and don’t have too much hope for a good The Purge film being released anytime soon.

Nightmare

Tags

Blog, Blogging, Comedy, culture, Funny, General, Humor, Kids, Opinion, People, Stories, Thoughts, Writing

As human beings, we absorb interesting experiences as something we share at a dinner table, or at a party, to be accepted. Which is a horrible system. Nightmares are something we hold dear to us, because they are experiences we ourselves wouldn’t be able to live through ourselves. We emote our need for nightmares in different ways, such as fear. Nightmares, in a basic sense, give us more hope than dreams do. Hope for whatever we saw not to be true. And, in those special times when us humans live something that could be put in comparison with a nightmare, we share that story. Because humans are terrible. And that’s basically what this is.

This preceding night there was a fundraiser movie night. If the previous sentence didn’t give you an idea about what will happen next, think about this. The movie we were going to watch was Minions, that movie that we heard about for a day then never heard it again. In other words, that movie that all of us fell asleep during it. Well, imagine that exact movie, but instead of watching it in a comfortable movie theater environment where you can eat all the popcorn you want without judging yourself because it was a special occasion, you are at an elementary school gymnasium full of 12 year olds, and all these people do is wait to get out of school and make ‘jokes’ about the male anatomy. I entered the movie night fully expecting what I thought I was to see, and I wasn’t surprised. It was most likely a trap to raise money for the school. For all they cared, they could make us pay 20$ then lie about the movie and lock us in the gymnasium for hours.

But we didn’t. I knew I made a mistake by making the asinine decision to enter this place. After 20 minutes of making Ted Cruz jokes with Lucas, the movie finally started, and it was worse than the ideals of a nightmare. It was displayed through a projector on a giant white piece of paper held up by a metal rod. The quality of the picture was mortifying and the sound shook the bleachers that I was sitting on. It was only a minute or two after this that I made the brash decision to leave (to be fair, it sounded good at the time).

I picked up my phone and went to the front room with Lucas because we had enough. At this front room a coalition of moms (the ones that brag about their children on Facebook) held guard, and when we picked up our stuff it alarmed them. “Where are you going,” said one of them. They all stared at us with their mom eyes. “We…I…um….my mom….we decided to go home.” The moms looked at us like we were atheists at Jesus-con. “Well…,’ the ringleader of the moms harshly responded. “We can’t let you leave. You have to stay until 9:30.” This alarmed us for a number of reasons. “I think we’re just going to leave…” I quietly stated with the confidence of the whatever from The Wizard of Oz. “I’m sorry,  I really am,” she continued. “But you’ll have to stay unless your mother or father picks you up.” Challenged by this, I quietly said, “Fine then,” and then greatly outwitted their mom logic. I pulled out my phone and dialed for my mom. The relief of hearing a voice that didn’t have a demon possessing it was wonderful. I put it on speaker, and then one of the other-moms said, “Kristen, Charlie would like to walk home, and we were just wondering if you could allow this.” The thought that a mom who knew not one thing about me didn’t believe I had the mental-capacity or maturity to traverse the small distance of 4 blocks when the sun was still out was humiliating. My mom quickly respond, “Yes, of course,” and that was the greatest relief of my life. Defeated by this, the other-mom said in a moment of anguish, “If you leave and you regret it, you won’t be allowed to go back.” Good, I thought to myself. While walking out, I looked back at them only to see them all stare back with pure black eyes. This is the horrifying truth behind moms. There must be like an underground cult following of moms that they use to organize and keep track of all of the immature children. Oh wait. That’s Facebook.

People and Their Opinions

Tags

Blog, Comedy, culture, General, Humor, Life, Opinion, People, Writing

This is something I’ve been meaning to address for quite some time now. How people will incessantly and rudely state their opinion anytime they feel threatened enough to do so.

Alright, lets test you in this. You are innocently scrolling through your Facebook feed, but then, you see the most sad, utterly most upsetting meme that has ever graced the page. You could scroll past it, like a normal, functioning human being, but of course, you decided against it, and decided to bring it to their attention that you are displeased with one of their posts. You say, ‘that is really sad, pawpaw’s grandkids should have eaten those extra burgers, you shouldn’t have posted this because of how offensive it was.’

You just can’t understand how upsetting this is, but in this situation it is for a multitude of reasons. It’s an image. An image with words. It may not say words you like, but you can’t help that, and bringing it to their attention that you don’t like it will make the situation worse. Just….just get over it. Get a hobby. Sign up for a Club Penguin account. Do whatever you’d like. It’s an image. It can’t harm you. Unless you really do see a picture that may trigger you or actually, truly is actually offensive, that’s alright. That’s understandable. There are two types of people here.

Also, it is absolutely terrible when some people try to force their opinion on other people. This one is the most upsetting. Alright, here’s the situation: You are walking down the street, and along the way, you see two men holding hands. Instead of respecting the fact that they both love each other and love comes in all forms, you point it out to them that being homosexual is against your religion or whatever. That may be true. Being gay or different may be something you don’t agree with. But you don’t have to literally push you beliefs on other people. We can’t all be the same, and you can’t push people to the standards you set out. People are meant to be different, and that’s fine. I mean, some people feel insecure with their gender and want to change. That’s fine. You don’t have to push the fact on them that you are uncomfortable with their change. It won’t affect you. Not once. Not ever. It is their decision how they are going to live their own life and that is how it is going to be for them.

I’m freaking 12 years old, not even a teenager, and I know for sure that I am smarter than most of those people. And I know I’m being a massive hypocrite by shoving my opinion of opinionated people, but I know that it is for this cause and this cause only that I’m saying this. That felt so good to get off of my chest.

Ugh.

Tags

2016, Blog, General, Humor, News, Opinion, today, ugh, Writing

Ugh. I’ve mostly been having an ugh day. A day full of raw egg, wet dog, and cat chow. Metaphorically. In real life that would be weird. First of all, we have had a break from school, and the tenure of this break will expire tomorrow. And I have a cold. And I fell asleep at 2:00 AM last night. And it is January. Which is gross. Ugh.

AND I ALSO WANT A CAT! Ugh. I’ve been having a bad day. This blog post will be cut short due to the fact that I DON’T HAVE A CAT!!!!!!

Ugh.

My Pre-New Year’s Goals

Tags

2015, Blog, Blogging, Comedy, Funny, General, Humor, News, Opinion, Seasonal, Writing

2 days from now, the Earth makes another monumental shift in to the uncharted path of the bountiful 365 days before us all, a land of the unknown. Our last days of 2015 are here, and I’d like to make the most of the time we have left before that happens. So, here is my pre-New Year Bucket List:

• BEFORE 2016, I want to find the panda.

Seriously though…. I can not tell you the amount of hours spent trying to find where Waldo’s cousin is.

• BEFORE 2016, I want to go on one of those hoverboard things and hopefully not burst in to flames while doing it.

• BEFORE 2016, I want to find the cat.

• BEFORE 2016, I want to find out why the world won’t stop obsessing over Adele and Star Wars

• BEFORE 2016, I would like to have a meme made of myself

• BEFORE 2016, I want to wear The Dress (remember when everyone was obsessed with that?)

• BEFORE 2016, I want to sip straight out of a satanist Starbucks Christmas cup.

I bet the only play ‘Have A Holly Jolly Christmas’ 976 times in a day.

• BEFORE 2016, I will ‘Netflix and chill,’ catch the runaway llamas, hunt down the Cecil the lion killer, go to Jurassic world, show Antman pesticide, and shoot down the Millennium falcon.

AND FINALLY…

• BEFORE 2016, I want to eat Chipotle. E-coli bacteria or not. I want Chipotle food.

The 5 Worst Christmas Songs I Have Ever Heard

Tags

Blog, Christmas, Comedy, culture, Funny, Humor, News, Opinion, Seasonal, Writing

I love Christmas. The wait until the wonderful day arrives is simply unBEARable!

And my favorite part of the season has to be listening to the jolly ol’ tunes on the radio. Piling in to the car, starting the engine and turning on the radio to unexpectedly be slapped in the face by Burl Ives or Nat King Cole. I would laugh every time the song Deck The Halls approaches the lyric ‘don be now our gay apparel,’ and sing along to just about anything that comes up. But, with the best comes the worst, and that it what I will be discussing today. So, put your hands together for…

THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS!!!!

Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You

Oh my god, I can’t tell you how much I hate this song. One second I’m having a holly jolly Christmas, and then the other I have to endure the painful words out of the mouth of one of my least favorite singer. WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE how much I hate this. Go spoil someone elses’ Christmas Mariah Carey!!!

Paul McCartney’s Have A Wonderful Christmastime

I could go a millennium without having to hear this horse poo once more. I don’t want to have a wonderful Christmas time if this song is encouraging me to. The lyrics will never get out of my head now that I’ve ranted about hating it. THANKS A LOT PAUL MCARTNEY!!!! By the way, I’ve never liked the Beatles!

Elmo & Patsy’s Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

I solemnly apologize to all elders who had to suffer through that song. It just makes me so sad, how an older woman gets stepped on by an over sized moose. And the annoyingly catchy tune that surrounds it doesn’t help a bit. Like every other song on this list, I would rather have to drink an entire carton of eggnog than have to listen to this song any day ever.

Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby

Only hearing Rudolph or Have A Holly Jolly Christmas can quell the rage that grows in my soul every time I have to suffer through this Christmas tragedy. I know everyone loves it and I am making fun of a classic, but that classic has somewhat made fun of me, having to listen through it and wishing I could be watching a Hallmark Christmas movie (even though I hate those too).

Wham!’s Last Christmas

This song is like death wrapped within a raw egg. With garlic on it. If I had to hear this once more I will literally wham Wham! in the head. It’s that bad. And the radio stations love it, so I have to hear it countless time during the season that I once loved.

 

Okay then. All of these songs deserve to die a death that can not be compared to any others. The happiest thing that would happen in my life would be if someone told me that all of these songs were ripped away from the fabric of existence and could never be played again. I would like that.

Why I Hate Hallmark Channel Christmas Movies

Tags

Blog, Christmas, Comedy, Funny, General, Humor, Opinion, Pop Culture, Seasonal, tv, Writing

Ah, yes. The season is here, and has been for the last 13 days, I think. Mistletoe hung where you can see, jingle bells, and promise of a holly, jolly, Christmas. But, this holiday is somewhat due to be overcast by the bad, and by that I mean Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

I HATE THEM!!! There are two channels, on right now, devoted in their entirety to display the worst movies that were ever made in the time on this here earth. And the worst part is is that wherever I go, they are playing somewhere.

Every one of the movies is normally the same thing. A single parent raising kids is threatened to lose their job, and of course they are living in homes that could easily cost a couple million and are worried financially, until they meet a man/woman who will change their lives, and don’t admit they love each other until the end, where the next movie can play that is basically the same thing. I know how it goes.

It is just infuriating. Why can’t It’s A Wonderful Life, or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer be on, instead of that undeserving low-lived trash? Why can’t I ever find Home Alone or Mrs. Doubtfire (even though it is not a Christmas movie it just has to be said) on? This has all drawn me to the conclusion that Hallmark should only be a store that sells items for 10x the cost of which they would normally be sold at, instead of a channel that is only ever on during the holiday season and shouldn’t even.

I just want to see a Hallmark movie that is based on a rich woman who makes his employee work during Christmas and then gets visited by spirits who show him the life he is living, shown through the past, present, and future, then changes and saves a little boy’s life. It will be called A Christmas Song, and it will be the most brilliant, original title on air. Why can’t Hallmark do something like that, and get Frank Sinatra to do a singing/dancing number? Wait… Frank Sinatra is dead?!  JUST EVERYTHING ON THAT CHANNEL BESMIRCHES THE ONCE WONDERFUL TITLE OF CHRISTMAS AND NOW I’M REALLY SAD!!!!!!!!!

Alright, well, I’m done for tonight. I am alone in the kitchen typing this and I just watched a movie trailer for that film Krampus, and it scared the heck out of me, so I am going to do a little bit of late reading and dig in on my copy of Moby Dick. Yay! A book about a crazy sea captain trying to catch an even crazier whale! What fun!

 

The Annual Black Friday Conundrum

Tags

Comedy, Funny, General, Humor, Life, NaBloPoMo, Opinion, People, Seasonal

It’s that day again. Black Friday.

This is the day where millions of good deal hungry hippos of people become engulfed in a battle royal at your nearby department store. This is a traumatic time for America. I swear, yesterday I was at my mom mom’s house for Thanksgiving who lives close to a Target, and, as we were there, we noticed the long line dwindling out over to the road, the line filled with brainwashed Christmas shoppers.

I don’t understand it. I don’t have faith that I ever will. I will stand by the inevitable bias that I don’t like it. I just feel like, if you want to save 50% on a TV, there is an amazing thing called Cyber Monday that I think you should try. I believe you should take heed to these warnings, so hopefully you would be the wiser the following year. I have never, and hopefully will never challenge the mad cows inside any store just to get a good saving for that picture frame you are buying Aunt Ruth. And neither should anyone. I just don’t understand what drive people to take it that far, and take on the riot.

Listen in as I steal this quote from a popular meme.  People are camping out to purchase junk for others and themselves after celebrating a holiday where the centerpiece is being thankful for what they already have. You know, maybe I am softening this a little too much. Most of the Black Friday shoppers have probably boycotted Thanksgiving dinner to buy this. I bet the week before was cleared out just so they could camp out on department store grounds to get a better deal, later to be trampled by the inhumane bulls that those people have turned to.

I mean, sure, since I am yet to become 12 and underage, disabling my ability to take a turn to a department store, the only reliable source to be told of these facts is that of news headlines and horror stories on the web. But, I think that is enough to stay on to these facts of mine. But, I believe it is a good thing, that I have no experience of my own on this topic. I’d rather keep all my limbs instead of risk having to pay the full price. Dear god, people, let’s stop with all of this. The day after Thanksgiving millions of cattle like humans go out to fight all of the others willing to save just a dollar or two. I’m done…. I’m just… just… done. If you want to risk coming home with a lesser amount of fingers than the amount you left with, that is your decision, and not mine to control at all. Goodbye you people.

 

I’m Ready Christmas! Take me away!

Tags

Blog, Christmas, culture, Humor, Life, NaBloPoMo, Opinion, Seasonal, Writing

It’s this time of year. The small window of time before Thanksgiving that everyone views as the gateway to Christmas. Now, if you have seen me rant before you would notice (and if you haven’t I believe it is abundantly clear that) I have been strict on the wait-until-Thanksgiving-to-talk-about-Christmas thing. But, at this point, I think I can finally say…

TAKE ME AWAY CHRISTMAS!!!

I’m sorry, but Thanksgiving has been taking much too long to arrive. I have been patiently awaiting for this holiday to come, so the day could end and I could view it as socially acceptable to talk about Christmas. I swear, this whole month has just been that anxious wait, or annoying foot tap some people do when they are impatient enough to just wait silently. But, Thanksgiving has been coming too slow this year, so, that is why I must. Woo hoo. Pilgrims eating canned hams.

Sure, I love Thanksgiving, but it has just been too much to wait for. A holiday surrounding food is like the dream no-one ever had. And also, it is embedded with our American culture and our customs, so there really is no avoiding it, and that’s ok. But now, I’m starting to see why life is fixed on Christmas right now, and that’s because Thanksgiving won’t budge. 8 days away or not, it is still a holiday celebrating a dinner between the Native Americans and the Pilgrims. And that puts to focus a lot of questions that have been brewing up in the Crock pot I bought in my mind off Craigslist. Like, how did they get the cranberries without taking the trip to Walmart and buying the canned kind? I’m just kidding, I know that all cranberries aren’t canned. BUT STILL! And how would they preheat their oven to 325 degrees in order to cook their turkey? Would they just have to eyeball it with their fire and all? Ugh. You see, this is what draws me to the conclusion that I love Christmas, and no conclusions can draw me away from that.

I mean, with the Burl Ives singing you know what, all of the lights, TV specials, signature colors, the same 5 Christmas songs being played on repeat every hour of the day, enslaving trees and forcing them in to our humble abodes, it’s just too much… I’m tearing up thinking about it! Ok, ok, let’s get back on track. But do you see what I mean?! I just want it all, and now!!!

Alright. I love Thanksgiving, but it is acting like a snail coming to us. 8 days or not, it is taking forever. I just want Christmas! NOW!!!!