OUR TALE BEGINS, with a young child named Charlie. He was a brave young fellow, who apparently over-rates himself while he writes blog posts like the one Charlie is writing right now, and loves to refer to himself in third person, apparently. Alright, let’s put an end to the charades. On a day like today, I went and wrote myself an adventure out of the long and endless unfinished script of life, and turned that script in to a play that I would not soon forget. Even though that it took place in an Acme, about the most boring grocery shop of them all. I mean, even the acme logo is boring. All it is is the nefarious title of the infamous shop, Acme, in capitals and italics. At least target has a target. Acme would at least be a tad bit more interesting if they had acme spread out along the logo. Now that I look back on that, that is gross. But at least my point is proved.
Alright, so this tale begins on a boring afternoon, one of those afternoons that all you can think of doing is binge-watching Netflix shows that you would have never watched on any other day. But, before I could watch another season of Bob’s Burgers, we had to go and go in the hot, steaming oven that you’d call a car on one of the hottest days of the year. My brother and I complained, we fidgeted, but there was no point since we were going to go to Acme. We climbed up in the car and tried to bear the heat, but that hope expired right when I misplaced my hand upon the hot seatbelt metal. Alright, at this rate there is no point in the car ride details, so I am going to fast forward this tale to the interesting part.
OK, so we involuntarily fell out of the car to the underworld on Earth you’d call the Acme supermarket. The three of us labored over to the store, and had to suffer through the hard work of those stupid automatic doors. I mean, come on doors. There is so much work put in to opening those things!!! After we went through that devilish obstacle, we grabbed a cart and walked inside. While we got in, our mom immediately consulted us, “Ok, we are going to split up here. I will get my half of the list, and you two go find your half. Meet me up here when you guys finish. Love you!” She handed us a list, and waltzed away. Marshall looked at me, and I looked back, and in unison, we grabbed the shopping cart, and each laid one foot on one side, and used the other foot to kick the floor. Seconds later, we were zooming through the aisles trying to find cottage cheese!!! As we were on our golden trek through the aisles, the both of us kept moving forward and forward and forward, and we both were thinking about nothing except the wind in our face, we didn’t see that the most Tom Cruise-y moment that we would ever face in our young, childish lives was coming up: WE WERE ABOUT TO HIT THE WALL!!!! We both screamed for our lives, and seconds before the devastating crash, the both of us jumped off the cart in the most dramatic moment of our lives. Then, everything went black.
The both of us lay on the ground, with nothing but scraped elbows. After the ringing noise in our ears washed away, we looked at the cart. It was smashed in to the milk aisle, but luckily no damage to the cow juice or the cart. BUT THE COTTAGE CHEESE FELL OUT!!! We mourned over the loss of the solidified cow juice, but we couldn’t stay in that position. With the cottage cheese and the milk now in the cart, we still weren’t done. This time, I decided to sit in the cart while Marshall pushed me, because why not? There’s no point not acting more childish if you already rode a cart in to a wall. On our way to get chips and salsa (not together), I remembered a clip from a TV show that I like called Impractical Jokers (great show, by the way). In this particular clip, was one of the guys from the group in a Walmart, going around and pretending to be a spy. So, he went up behind a lady, and blurted out loud, “SUBJECT HAS BLUE PANTS!” and tucked himself behind an aisle. I thought this was a great idea, and before you could say “BAD IDEA, BAD IDEA!!!!”, we were already leaping in to action.
And there was our subject, a man with a pug face across his shirt like Rhett.
That’s a wig. Rhett is 100% male.
So we were off! I walked around, pretending to be interested in the hemorrhoid cream (?), and when he looked away, I blurted out, “SUBJECT HAS A PUG SHIRT!” The man turned around with an accusing face. “WHO SAID THAT!!!” He said, non-jokingly and not knowing how to take one. We hid behind the aisle in fear, and when he looked at the other side of the aisle, we grabbed the cart, ran down the aisle with the scary man in it, grabbed the chips and salsa in a rush and hurried away.
And then we were off to find bread. Again, I read a forum online of things to do when you were bored, and I found this. Marshall and I were at the bakery, ready to get our bread. “Excuse me, miss, but how much does you 7$ bread cost?” I asked, trying to hold back the laughter that was going to burst out if she didn’t move things along and answer my question. “*sigh* Sir, it’s 7$. And I think you knew that.” “Ok, thank you! I’d like the bread please. Oh, and one more thing. Do you give out free smiles?” I made the friendliest smile, and pointed at my cheek. “You know I can kick you out right now? Just pay me my money, take the bread, and go.” We ushered ourselves out, got on our cart, and zoomed away from our last ride of the night.
We met at the site where we first found ourselves and found our mom nonchalantly standing there. “Hey guys, how was it?” She asked. I replied, “Nothing much, except everything!” We told her the story in the car, and I went on about how it changed my life and I would never be bored again, for you can take anything, and use it to annoy people. And that is what counts in life.