The Truth is Out There.

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Blog, culture, Funny, General, Humor, Life, today, tv, Writing

Ever since late January, I have been obsessed with the X Files. I feel like that was a show I was born to watch. Like, it was a fixed point in time that one day I would blindly decide to spend my days binge-watching a show about aliens on Netflix. But this show has really opened my mind, something which is indeterminable whether it is good or bad, because now, my reasoning behind every thing to exist is aliens. It’s not like I’m wrong though. ALIENS ARE OUT THERE!!! The angel and devil that appear on your shoulders when you are making a decision are no longer there for me- now it’s Mulder and Scully.

I so desperately want to see an alien, the desire to see one is intoxicating and it is starting to cloud up my normal thoughts. For example, any car that drives behind our own when we are on the road is a government official trekking behind to exterminate me because I know too much on their hidden agenda that a secret society of elites are devising a way to eradicate of most of the general population so they can keep us under control while they rule the entire land we once called our home. Also, every light we see piercing the night sky, whether it be when we are driving home from visiting somewhere at night or some other reason, the light that is thought to be a plane voyaging throughout the realm above us is most definitely a foreign unidentified aircraft that is going to land within an unknown government air base where they test alien technology that they harvested from the Roswell crash of 1947. Every time you have deja vu, when you feel as if you are living an event that you lived already over again, it is actually an extraterrestrial entity delving within your mind to monitor your thoughts. I need help.

Obsession is the prominent word to describe the relations between me and the X Files. I JUST CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND AND I’M WATCHING IT ON NETFLIX AS I TYPE!!! OH MY GOD!! If anyone doesn’t like the X Files they are no longer a respectable human through my eyes. Mulder and Scully though! I can’t get my thoughts out straight! I just can’t stop thinking about the different aspects of the universe that we have come to believe aren’t true. It’s just groundbreaking for me to see all this unfold, even though the storylines can be just pieces of caffeinated rants strung together to make the most flawless, perfect tale ever to be told ever. Alright, I hope my words have sunk in by now, but for the time being before you decide to binge-watch the whole series and forget about everything else in life like I have, the truth is out there.

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Ugh.

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2016, Blog, General, Humor, News, Opinion, today, ugh, Writing

Ugh. I’ve mostly been having an ugh day. A day full of raw egg, wet dog, and cat chow. Metaphorically. In real life that would be weird. First of all, we have had a break from school, and the tenure of this break will expire tomorrow. And I have a cold. And I fell asleep at 2:00 AM last night. And it is January. Which is gross. Ugh.

AND I ALSO WANT A CAT! Ugh. I’ve been having a bad day. This blog post will be cut short due to the fact that I DON’T HAVE A CAT!!!!!!

Ugh.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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Christmas, culture, happy, history, Holidays, Life, News, Seasonal, Thanksgiving, today

I hope you all have a wonderful day, ‘stuffed’ to the brim with pumpkin pie and poultry. I have to say, this is one of my favorite holidays, and am already enchanted by the smell of sweet potato casserole cooking in the kitchen. This is always a wonderful holiday, filled with nostalgia for the simpler times. But there is no need for the simpler when we have a wonderful modern Thanksgiving ahead of us. I hope your table is teeming with all of the food of your dreams, and I wish you a merry potato, turkey, casserole, cranberry, and Thanksgiving.

How to Incoherently Babble

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Blog, Comedy, culture, Humor, Humour, NaBloPoMo, odd, today, Writing

Boy, would I like to have a blog post tonight! I honestly, really, truly would. But, set aside my parents going hysterical in the other room over that Donald Trump episode of SNL, and my brother, who is practicing his banjo upstairs (nice job, Marshall, I like that song), I, myself, am getting distracted from looking on Ebay and visiting a Japanese cat app frivolously. So, instead of actually blogging words that mean something I will resort to incoherent babbling, one of the prospects of future butterflies. Like meow.

ERMYGURD I ate this chicken paella last night that’s so fetch am I right? Let’s go to Starbucks and drop my labtop on the floor! I got this app that tells me where I am! And one that tells me if it is dark outside! AH!!! RUN AWAY!!! BUBBLES!!!! I am afraid of dogs that look like magicians…

WHY CAN’T WE HAVE 4 PAWS!!!! ARGH!!! I bought a printer but my cat ate it so I hooked up my cat to the computer and it can print better than a printer! The word count on this blog post is at 188. Now it is 192. We are already closing in on 197. SO MANY WORDS!!!

Why does there need to be two eyeballs when one can do just fine!!! Or ears! Geez! My printer cat ran away, so I found it. And printed a picture of a cat. Because my one real cat isn’t good enough. JUST KIDDING I Don’T HAVE a CAt!

I need to go to bed GOODNIGHT MAGICIANS!!!!

I AM A KING MAKER!!!

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Blog, culture, Humor, News, Philadelphia, politics, today, Writing

Yesterday night Jim Kenney, the man everybody knew was already going to win the election, supposedly won! He is now the mayor of Philadelphia, with 1 million and a half people under his wing. And you know how he got there? BECAUSE I INTERVIEWED HIM OF COURSE! That’s the pact I make! If you are either running for president or dog catcher, I can make it happen!

Alright, I may have oversold the message a little bit, but it is still wonderful to have the right inside of you to say “I helped Jim Kenney win the position of mayor.” It is a feeling that has the novelty of a horse in pajamas (which is a good thing if you couldn’t tell). I was just goofing up there, I honestly think it was his intentions and good messages that got him to the seat he is now. Though it was obviously a little touch of me in the mix. Just kidding! Am I? Oh, whatever! I just wanted to give a little congratulations to this great man, and I think I can trust wholly and completely that the city is in good hands.

Here is the interview:

(as for the football question, I originally wanted to be rid of it but it appeared back in the final publication when it was posted on Phawker, so I guess I just have to go with it when I am currently now even aware of how to play the dang game)

1.) Being mayor looks like a thankless job. People are always yelling and screaming and upset with decisions that the mayor makes. So why did you decide to run for mayor?

When you are the one making tough decisions you’re not always going to please everyone, and as a City Councilman I’ve had some practice with this. I always remember that it’s a few people who are unhappy that make the most noise, as long as it’s a net benefit to the city, it’s usually worth it. I believe that you’re never truly happy unless you’re serving others, by high school teachers taught me that. As mayor, I think I’ll be in the best position to drive down the city’s poverty rate and help the most number of people.

2.) Fixing the schools is important because children are the future. For years, people have tried to fix the school system and failed. What makes you so sure that you will succeed where so many have failed?

My approach is different because I’m focused on expanding community schools – which address the child’s entire learning environment, including the family’s socio-economic circumstances and the child’s health. Community schools are proven to raise graduation rates and improve the communities surrounding them.

3.) When Lynn Abraham fainted on TV, people who saw it said that she should drop out of the election because she was too old. Other people said this was sexist, because they wouldn’t do the same if a man fainted. If you had fainted, do you think people would have suggested you drop out of the election?

Sexism is when women are treated differently because of their gender. For instance, many women are paid less than men despite having the same qualifications. As mayor this is something I have a plan to correct in Philadelphia. As for DA Abraham, I think she’s proved that she’s as fit as a fiddle.

4.) I am worried about getting shot by the police. Do you think that every police officer that has a gun should have body cameras?

I do believe that every officer carrying a firearm should be outfitted with a body camera that way any time there is an accident city officials will know exactly what happened and will be able to react accordingly.

5.) I’ve heard that the city’s pension fund should have at least $10 billion in the bank to cover everyone, but we only have $4 billion saved. When I grow up, if I worked in the city, would you say there would be a pension for me?

There are three things I will do to make sure our pension fund is solvent and available for future generations, including overfunding the city’s minimum obligation, negotiating with municipal unions and revising our agreement with the Wall St managers who currently receive $32-33 million in fees every year.

6.) If you become mayor would you make a law saying that the Eagles can spike the football after a touchdown?

Unfortunately, that is something that falls outside of what I will be able to do as mayor. That is something that will be need to be addressed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. All I can say is that I hope we as fans can celebrate plenty of Eagles touchdowns in the stands and at home.

Back To The Future Day: Why I Don’t Care

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Comedy, culture, Humor, Humour, News, Opinion, today, Writing

October 21st, 2015.

Some may view that day as a landmark in cinema and taking the trek in to unknown territory in the hit movie Back To The Future 2.

I view it as nothing else but a rat’s arse.

I mean, the first one was very good, I must admit. That was way ahead of its time, and it put a good taste in the mouths of everyone who watched it. But the second, not so much. It perception of what the future would be like today is completely unrealistic. But it is not like they could personally consult the people of the future and ask them what was going to happen.  They had to look life in the eyes and come up with something that would be believable enough for the ungrateful simpletons of the 80’s.

And, I’m guessing, what came out of that was this picture;

A hologram shark attacking a teenage boy who just arrived in his past town from the past. And all of those people just ate this up!

So, we are celebrating a day in which this all is supposed to happen. This shouldn’t be celebrated. This should be burnt, kicked, and buried. As I am currently residing in the future, I’d say most of this stuff is just the incomprehensible rant of someone who probably just left the bar. I know this may sound may as well to the people playing in the movie, but aren’t they the ones who feasted off of the undeserving profit from this? The sad, lonely 80’s people who just lost their money’s worth on such an awful movie? This, my friends, is exactly why I can just voice my opinion right now, blatant and disrespectful as ever, screaming at the top of my lungs,

I DON’T CARE!

I couldn’t care less! Today you are seeing news headlines, twitter posts, status updates, everything of the sort on the same topic: October 21st, 2015, Back to the Future 2 Day. But really, I think the only novelty people are holding on this day is the fact that nostalgia sets in after at least 20 years. That is why people still hold some of the worst older movies to themselves closely, like A Christmas Story, Home Alone 2, and about every other stupid 80’s Christmas movie. No one ever learns from it. And that is exactly why I am presenting you with these incredibly malicious and stupidly unnecessary rants tonight. I hate Back to the Future 2, and there is not enough romantic comedies in the world to quell the rage festering in my heart right now.

You’re Welcome, Jim Kenney!!!

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Blog, bloggers, mayor, News, Philadelphia, politics, today, Writing

Today, I’m giving a BIG hearty celebratory sign of appreciation to Jim Kenney, who managed to win the spot of the democratic nominee for mayor! And, I am willing to say that I only increased his chances of winning by 37%, multiplied by two. That’s the Charlie Colan pact;  I interview you and your chances of winning the spot of democratic nominee are 37% or the money you didn’t pay back!

Well, I just wanted to point it out for my own self praise- just kidding. But really as a congratulatory few words to say about him for winning. And, I guess a little bit of self praise, I am biased to say. Just kidding, again. Here is the link to the post;

http://www.phawker.com/2015/05/11/endorsement-vote-spongebob-kenneypants/