The dead and rotten autumnal spines of leaves silently rake the street at night, the only life it has left is of the wind. Brilliant beams of light shine from the deep carved crevices sunk in by the sharp blade used to brutalize the nearby pumpkin. The sights and sounds of deep autumn entrap us as the season progresses farther and deeper, eventually encompassing us in the everlasting darkness. I don’t know about you, but this is terribly spoopy and wildly creppy. With dem October pumpkins and such and other seasonally reproduced fruit, glossy red apples filling up colorful and inviting baskets, I couldn’t not be excited for the month to come. Some believe that October has the many spooks such a skeletons, and bats, and other VURY spoopy tings, but I view it as a warm embrace from an old friend. So, as I often say, enjoy yourselves, sip a latte, and enjoy the season.
It feels like September is some sort of seasonal relief. In the midst of suffering the unendurable weather we’ve put up with for the past few months, leaves fall and everything changes. Anyone can attest that this is the distinctions between seasons, but I view it as some sort of demimonde between the insufferable heat of Summer and the harsh and unyielding cold of the Winter. That’s what I love and always will love about the season. Seemingly infinite lines of 30 something white stereotypes wearing red scarfs and UGG boots waiting to get their first pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks, the look and smell of ruptured pumpkin organs, early comers who decorate for Halloween the second September hits, it is all too much to take in. The general aesthetic and feel of the season to come is a whole different world in itself. So, I beg of you, enjoy the beginning, sip an unofficially released Starbucks PSL, and have a wonderful day
On this patriotic day before the holiday that celebrates what makes us Americans truly Americans, let us delve deep in to the roots of our country, and explore the massive expanse of what makes us proud to be standing on this sacred land….cuz of corn y’all.
1.) This corn
I don’t know about all you bald eagles but this is some mighty fine corn right here.
2.) Corn with a special green coat
This one corn in particular is absolutely magnificent. There are no words that can describe the rigid yet stylish beauty of this here corn.
3.) Multiple cornz
The stunning nature of these corns are enough to leave any prideful citizen in tears. With their fragile green hair hanging delicately from the roof of their designer green coats, you must be loving these corns.
4.) Creature partially made of corn
I have no clue on how to identify the type of cat in the picture, but I have enough context to make a generalization on how inspiring it is the lengths people (in this case cat-like dog cow) will go to protect and love their cornz. This truly makes me prideful to call this land home.
5.) Corn dewritos
I’m sorry if this picture disturbed some. It is a harrowing and shameful example of the tortures our corn brothers and sisters must face to live up to society’s impossible expectations of them. This is just the result in living in a society where the rule is judge or be judged.
6.) Many, many corns in a field of other cornz
Now we can spot corns finally in a land where there are free to be who they want, do what they want, and live life in a free enviornment. This is truly what we should strive towards as a country. We must be inspired by these corns and break the shackles and chains that confine us to what we are told we must do and what we must be. We have to live like the corns, except without the part of being eaten. Or am I just combining well thought out, well conveyed political statements with corn? I don’t know, I’m tired. I haven’t slept properly in like, 2 days.
7.) Seeing double cornz
I don’t know if it is just me, but there are like, two corns here that look exactly alike. They share similar proportions, almost identical kernels, but one is bigger than the other. This one is seriously spooking me.
Ah, and here we see some crudely photoshopped corn on the faces of the cast of Seinfeld. A truly magnificent feature.
I hope you all tipped your fedoras today in honor of this wonderful vegetable, be sure to legally light some fireworks tonight in honor of this momentous occasion that will occur tomorrow. Have a wonderful day…
2 days from now, the Earth makes another monumental shift in to the uncharted path of the bountiful 365 days before us all, a land of the unknown. Our last days of 2015 are here, and I’d like to make the most of the time we have left before that happens. So, here is my pre-New Year Bucket List:
- BEFORE 2016, I want to find the panda.
Seriously though…. I can not tell you the amount of hours spent trying to find where Waldo’s cousin is.
- BEFORE 2016, I want to go on one of those hoverboard things and hopefully not burst in to flames while doing it.
- BEFORE 2016, I want to find the cat.
- BEFORE 2016, I want to find out why the world won’t stop obsessing over Adele and Star Wars
- BEFORE 2016, I would like to have a meme made of myself
- BEFORE 2016, I want to wear The Dress (remember when everyone was obsessed with that?)
- BEFORE 2016, I want to sip straight out of a satanist Starbucks Christmas cup.
I bet the only play ‘Have A Holly Jolly Christmas’ 976 times in a day.
- BEFORE 2016, I will ‘Netflix and chill,’ catch the runaway llamas, hunt down the Cecil the lion killer, go to Jurassic world, show Antman pesticide, and shoot down the Millennium falcon.
- BEFORE 2016, I want to eat Chipotle. E-coli bacteria or not. I want Chipotle food.
SYMPTOMS: Seeing red and green as a substitute for all other colors, hallucinatory visions such as discerning such things as an elf from a lampshade, or a reindeer from a moose, hearing jingle bells as a replacement for an other sound, and tendency to punctuate every sentence with a, ‘ho ho ho.’
PREVENTION: Repeatedly watch seasonal horror movies while repeating the phrase, ‘Bah humbug!’
PEOPLE MOST SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE DISEASE: Those who frequently visit the Martha Stewart homepage (she is secretly a spy at the North Pole NSA), or those who are notorious for practically living on the Hallmark channel.
TREATMENT: Contact your doctor, and ask him about ElfPro, a medicine designed to help your inner Scrooge fight against this condition. If not, curtail amount of Pandora Radio Christmas Station usage in your residence and amount of candy canes in your humble abode, and the sufferer might be forced in to a recovery.
DIAGNOSIS: If the symptoms listed might match what you are going through, a doctor might be immediately necessary. This means and polar-oscopy must be operated. That is a test, where a vision chart will be displayed and the patient must say the letters displayed, and if not must describe what he/she is seeing. In most common cases, the patient describes seeing an elf/ and or candy cane. And a hearing test is devised, where a word is said through a pair of headphones and the patient must describe what they are hearing. In most common cases, the patient describes hearing the sound of jingle bells ringing. If this is so, that means you are positive for the illness.
This is an awful disease that affects thousands yearly. You can tell that someone is suffering through the circumstances of the situation when they…
A.) Overdo Christmas decorations
B.) Have a strange obsession with the movie Elf
C.) On their phone, the background is an image of jingle bells/ and or reindeer lifting off
D.) Always carry a mug with them in case there is hot chocolate involved
I hope this guide will help you navigate your way throughout the illness and raise awareness to the people who suffer through it.
I love Christmas. The wait until the wonderful day arrives is simply unBEARable!
And my favorite part of the season has to be listening to the jolly ol’ tunes on the radio. Piling in to the car, starting the engine and turning on the radio to unexpectedly be slapped in the face by Burl Ives or Nat King Cole. I would laugh every time the song Deck The Halls approaches the lyric ‘don be now our gay apparel,’ and sing along to just about anything that comes up. But, with the best comes the worst, and that it what I will be discussing today. So, put your hands together for…
THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONGS!!!!
Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You
Oh my god, I can’t tell you how much I hate this song. One second I’m having a holly jolly Christmas, and then the other I have to endure the painful words out of the mouth of one of my least favorite singer. WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE how much I hate this. Go spoil someone elses’ Christmas Mariah Carey!!!
Paul McCartney’s Have A Wonderful Christmastime
I could go a millennium without having to hear this horse poo once more. I don’t want to have a wonderful Christmas time if this song is encouraging me to. The lyrics will never get out of my head now that I’ve ranted about hating it. THANKS A LOT PAUL MCARTNEY!!!! By the way, I’ve never liked the Beatles!
Elmo & Patsy’s Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
I solemnly apologize to all elders who had to suffer through that song. It just makes me so sad, how an older woman gets stepped on by an over sized moose. And the annoyingly catchy tune that surrounds it doesn’t help a bit. Like every other song on this list, I would rather have to drink an entire carton of eggnog than have to listen to this song any day ever.
Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby
Only hearing Rudolph or Have A Holly Jolly Christmas can quell the rage that grows in my soul every time I have to suffer through this Christmas tragedy. I know everyone loves it and I am making fun of a classic, but that classic has somewhat made fun of me, having to listen through it and wishing I could be watching a Hallmark Christmas movie (even though I hate those too).
Wham!’s Last Christmas
This song is like death wrapped within a raw egg. With garlic on it. If I had to hear this once more I will literally wham Wham! in the head. It’s that bad. And the radio stations love it, so I have to hear it countless time during the season that I once loved.
Okay then. All of these songs deserve to die a death that can not be compared to any others. The happiest thing that would happen in my life would be if someone told me that all of these songs were ripped away from the fabric of existence and could never be played again. I would like that.
Ah, yes. The season is here, and has been for the last 13 days, I think. Mistletoe hung where you can see, jingle bells, and promise of a holly, jolly, Christmas. But, this holiday is somewhat due to be overcast by the bad, and by that I mean Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.
I HATE THEM!!! There are two channels, on right now, devoted in their entirety to display the worst movies that were ever made in the time on this here earth. And the worst part is is that wherever I go, they are playing somewhere.
Every one of the movies is normally the same thing. A single parent raising kids is threatened to lose their job, and of course they are living in homes that could easily cost a couple million and are worried financially, until they meet a man/woman who will change their lives, and don’t admit they love each other until the end, where the next movie can play that is basically the same thing. I know how it goes.
It is just infuriating. Why can’t It’s A Wonderful Life, or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer be on, instead of that undeserving low-lived trash? Why can’t I ever find Home Alone or Mrs. Doubtfire (even though it is not a Christmas movie it just has to be said) on? This has all drawn me to the conclusion that Hallmark should only be a store that sells items for 10x the cost of which they would normally be sold at, instead of a channel that is only ever on during the holiday season and shouldn’t even.
I just want to see a Hallmark movie that is based on a rich woman who makes his employee work during Christmas and then gets visited by spirits who show him the life he is living, shown through the past, present, and future, then changes and saves a little boy’s life. It will be called A Christmas Song, and it will be the most brilliant, original title on air. Why can’t Hallmark do something like that, and get Frank Sinatra to do a singing/dancing number? Wait… Frank Sinatra is dead?! JUST EVERYTHING ON THAT CHANNEL BESMIRCHES THE ONCE WONDERFUL TITLE OF CHRISTMAS AND NOW I’M REALLY SAD!!!!!!!!!
Alright, well, I’m done for tonight. I am alone in the kitchen typing this and I just watched a movie trailer for that film Krampus, and it scared the heck out of me, so I am going to do a little bit of late reading and dig in on my copy of Moby Dick. Yay! A book about a crazy sea captain trying to catch an even crazier whale! What fun!
It’s that day again. Black Friday.
This is the day where millions of good deal hungry hippos of people become engulfed in a battle royal at your nearby department store. This is a traumatic time for America. I swear, yesterday I was at my mom mom’s house for Thanksgiving who lives close to a Target, and, as we were there, we noticed the long line dwindling out over to the road, the line filled with brainwashed Christmas shoppers.
I don’t understand it. I don’t have faith that I ever will. I will stand by the inevitable bias that I don’t like it. I just feel like, if you want to save 50% on a TV, there is an amazing thing called Cyber Monday that I think you should try. I believe you should take heed to these warnings, so hopefully you would be the wiser the following year. I have never, and hopefully will never challenge the mad cows inside any store just to get a good saving for that picture frame you are buying Aunt Ruth. And neither should anyone. I just don’t understand what drive people to take it that far, and take on the riot.
Listen in as I steal this quote from a popular meme. People are camping out to purchase junk for others and themselves after celebrating a holiday where the centerpiece is being thankful for what they already have. You know, maybe I am softening this a little too much. Most of the Black Friday shoppers have probably boycotted Thanksgiving dinner to buy this. I bet the week before was cleared out just so they could camp out on department store grounds to get a better deal, later to be trampled by the inhumane bulls that those people have turned to.
I mean, sure, since I am yet to become 12 and underage, disabling my ability to take a turn to a department store, the only reliable source to be told of these facts is that of news headlines and horror stories on the web. But, I think that is enough to stay on to these facts of mine. But, I believe it is a good thing, that I have no experience of my own on this topic. I’d rather keep all my limbs instead of risk having to pay the full price. Dear god, people, let’s stop with all of this. The day after Thanksgiving millions of cattle like humans go out to fight all of the others willing to save just a dollar or two. I’m done…. I’m just… just… done. If you want to risk coming home with a lesser amount of fingers than the amount you left with, that is your decision, and not mine to control at all. Goodbye you people.
I hope you all have a wonderful day, ‘stuffed’ to the brim with pumpkin pie and poultry. I have to say, this is one of my favorite holidays, and am already enchanted by the smell of sweet potato casserole cooking in the kitchen. This is always a wonderful holiday, filled with nostalgia for the simpler times. But there is no need for the simpler when we have a wonderful modern Thanksgiving ahead of us. I hope your table is teeming with all of the food of your dreams, and I wish you a merry potato, turkey, casserole, cranberry, and Thanksgiving.
Well, it is the time of year to be thankful for what we have. I know that I am, and to give light on such a wonderful occasion, here are some bad jokes that I stole from the internet. Here is the 2nd annual edition of THE COMPLETE THANKSGIVING JOKE COMPILATION!!!
Q.) Why did the turkey cross the road?
A.) To get the hunters to think it was a chicken!
Q.) If fruit originally comes from a fruit tree, then what tree does a turkey come from?
A.) A poul-tree!
Q.) What cat discovered America?
A.) Christofurry Columbus!
Q.) What is a pumpkin’s favorite sport?
Q.) What were the turkey’s final words before being put in the oven?
A.) ‘Wow, I’m stuffed!”
Q.) What is a scarecrows favorite fruit?
Q.) Why did the dealership sell off so many cars this Thanksgiving?
A.) Because everyone wanted an autumn-obile!
Q.) What do you call rain on Thankgiving?
A.) Fowl weather!
Q.) If April flowers bring May showers, what do May flowers bring?
Q.) What would you get if you were to cross a pilgrim with a graham cracker?
A.) A pilgraham!
Q.) Why do turkeys always go ‘gobble gobble?’
A.) Because they never learned proper table etiquette!
Q.) Why did the police go after the turkey?
A.) Because it was suspected of FOWL play!
Q.) What do you call a turkey that has been dropped out of a helicopter?
A.) Dead weight!
Q.) Why did the pilgrims sail from England to America?
A.) Because they missed their plane!
Q.) If the pilgrims were alive today, what would they be famous for?
A.) Their age!
Q.) What movie do the kids watch on Thanksgiving?
A.) The mighty turducken!
Before we end, I’d like to say something. Today, in school, we had a little Thanksgiving ‘feast.’ All it basically is is giving up real lunch to eat a tangerine, a fistful of Smartfood popcorn and some baby carrots. My friend Jacob went around pleading with others to give up their tangerines for the sake of him. He managed to collect around 5. As he was to begin eating one of them, he got out his thumb and jabbed it right through the nucleus of the poor fruit. Then, as if he hasn’t done enough as he did, apparently the first event was the herald as of what was about to happen next, so, as if he were, himself, a human orange juice maker, he lifted the tangerine up to his mouth and squeezed the juice, leaving the carcass of what once was a fruit upon his plant, as he advanced to the other, what preceded meaning nothing to him. Apparently, he gave all of them names, so, firstly, I’d like to give my condolences to those poor tangerines.
Sally- The boundaries were sight high for sweet little Sally, but the universe had other plans. Rest well.
Billy- Always the one making the world ahead of everyone on this planet a great one, we bid our goodbyes.
Bobnut- There was no limits to the strength of Bobnut’s heart.
And, then my phone died before I could finish my list, so the last two names are unknown but the warmth they left us are still in our hearts. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!